All the MEN in my life...

Haha Ok I know what you're thinking... all the men in your life? What are you talking about? Well it's not how it sounds. The Lord has been really gracious to me and and has put strong, godly, caring, affirming, and intentional men in my life through friendships. He has given me the opportunity to build these friendships and see what a man seeking the Lord's heart looks like. These guys care about my well being and seek to build me up as their sister in Christ. They care for and look after me. We have good gospel filled conversations and laugh... A LOT! I have many good friends but I am going to focus on a few that have meant so much to me during these past few months!

Grant: If I had to choose a word to describe this man it would be CA-RAZY! He is someone I know will laugh at my jokes and make me laugh if I need a good pick me up. He is the guy who I can act a fool with and know will never judge me (usually). haha Grant and I have known each other since high school-- remember when we went bowling? haha-- but our friendship didn't truly start until both of us graduated college and moved back to Midlo. The thing I appreciate about Grant and my friendship is that we can be silly but also have conversations with depth! We pour into each other and encourage each other! I am super thankful for this man and what he means to this season of my life!

Kevin: Oh Chazy boy... this guy has become such a great friend to me over the last 2 years. We met when he came and helped move Lauren and I into our apartment, and we have all been great friends since. He is funny, crazy talented, such an encouragement and wise beyond his years. His love for God's children is inspiring and challenges me to love hard and have Jesus seep out of my entire being! The way he leads our church to the foot of the cross means so much to me. And the cool thing about Kev is that more than anything he truly cares about my relationship with the Lord and sanctification. THAT is true friendship and THAT is something that I hold dear to my heart. So blessed by this crazy man "shore. and shore. and shore. and SHORE!"

Marky Mark: The first recollection I have of Mark is my roommate shoving me in the middle of church and whispering, "Who is THAT boy in the salmon shirt?" haha The rest was history... Mark, Lauren and I began hanging out nightly last year after he had returned from playing for the Met's farm team up in New York. We would cook dinner, watch movies, hang out.... just the three of us. Then, Lauren and Mark decided that they were interested in each other. They began to hang out more... without me. We had a rough start (I was being left out you know) but now Marky Mark is a wonderful friend of mine. I have seen such amazing growth as he has deepened in his faith and I have enjoyed watching him pursue my roommate. He is a good man and despite the times we argue (sometimes we just don't quite see eye to eye) he is someone who plays such a pivotal role in my life.

Brandon: Brandon and I met this time last year. He had just returned from Australia and was about to leave for Spring Training. He came to one homegroup before leaving and I met and talked to him for a good while. I remember thinking "this guy loves him some Jesus!" I didn't talk to or keep up with Brandon in season except for one or two Facebook messages (seeing that we had only talked once before). However, when he returned from season in October we began to hang out in groups, at church and through our co-ed softball team. The initial impression I got of Brandon was spot on... This man loves Jesus. Brandon has been pretty transparent with me and has allowed me to know him and walk through life with him. He has been an encourager and has quickly become a wonderful friend of mine. It makes me so sad to know that he is leaving in two weeks for Spring Training, but I know that the Lord has chose him to be a light in this dark world. He has put him on this team, with these people and in the situations he is/will be going through for "such a time as this" (Esther 4:14). Six months is a long time for him and Mark to be gone, but I just know that their return in September will be that much sweeter!

::Thank you Lord for the blessings you have given me. Thank you for each and every one of these men and what they mean to me. Thank you for entrusting me with these friendships and allowing me to be challenged, spurred on and poured into by these guys. You have appointed all of these relationships and I ask that while they encourage and affirm me that I can do the same. I pray that you allow me to show these guys what respect looks like. That I can learn to follow through friendship and watch their actions carefully and cautiously. I ask that you are in the center of these friendships and that they bring You all the glory, and honor, and praise! You are so good to us Lord and I thank you for being intentional and loving us well through the gift of friends. I am enthralled by your mercy!::

"Blessings Journey" Post #1

In my last post I wrote about how I was going through a season of difficulties. When reflecting on those difficulties I thought..."what about all the good in your life?" You see, it is easy for me to think and meditate on the bad things. The frustrating situations. The hard times that make me question "why?" However, I think it takes more effort to focus on the blessings in our lives. Which is completely ridiculous. We are all so incredibly blessed and need to bring light to the goodness the Lord showers us with. So I am challenging myself to do this. In the next couple of blog posts I will be focusing on the people and things that God has brought into my life that have blessed me immensely and have made me into thewoman I am today! So let this 'blessing journey' begin...

The first post I am going to dedicate is to a friend that has been such a sweet blessing in my life. Miss Fort Worth Teen 2004 herself... Mallory Elizabeth Chain Shows. This woman means more to me that I can express. She is the picture of a Proverbs 31 woman and is someone whose friendship means so much to me. Mallory and I met our freshman year at Hardin-Simmons University. HSU isn't big so I knew who she was but we didn't get to know each other until the Spring semester of our first year. I remember it like it was yesterday... I walked in the dorm late with some of my friends and Mallory and Ali were sitting down in the lobby eating Cracker Cuts cheese with Trisquits and watching Friends. We stopped and talked a while and soon were hanging out daily. Mallory had such a similar life story to me, which made it really easy to talk to her about things and be vulnerable (which ironically both of us hated doing and were not good at). We realized we both had been attending the same church and decided to get more involved at Beltway through the College class and homegroup. Also, another thing that brought both of us together closer than ever was pledging Sigma Alpha. We went through 5 weeks of ridiculousness and in those 5 weeks learned more about each other and ourselves. Mallory and my friendship has had rough times (cough cough Australia), and sweet times, but the thing that has made this entire relationship work out the way it has is that the Lord has always been in the center of it. God has been so good to us and has used this relationship, I feel, to mold both of us and grow us into the woman He desired us to be. Mallory is closer than a friend. She is my "soul friend" as we like to call it. My sister. We were connected for a purpose. To encourage. To edify. To bring joy to each other's lives. To make one another laugh. To pole vault (haha). To cry with. Stand next to on the most important days of our lives (I was there standing by Mal on her wedding day and with her the day her beautiful daughter came into this world-- and hopefully someday she will return those moments of mine). The important, funny, life changing, hard and exciting times in my life has all had Mallory in them. Whether she was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, sending an affirming text or calling me just to check in. Mallory has been my biggest fan, encourager and prayer warrior these past 7 years (ok that makes me feel super old) and I believe she will be the same for many years to come. When I think of Mallory there are certain words that come to mind: beautiful, classy, intelligent, caring, selfless, wise, encouraging, loved, new anchor, bold, hilarious, intentional, set apart.

::Thank you Lord for putting Mallory in my life. You knew exactly what I needed all those years ago when I was a young 19 year old. She has spurred me on to You and has poured into me selflessly. She is a woman who truly fears You and is a beautiful picture of what I am called to be as a wife and mother. Continue to use our friendship to draw us closer to each other and You. You orchestrated this all those years ago and Father, if it is Your will, allow Mally Moo Moo to be in my life for many more years! You are good and everything that comes from You is good. We love and serve You humbly.... use us and our friendship for Your Kingdom Work!::

Fear Not.

Have you ever been burdened? I mean really burdened. Your insides feel all tangled up, you can't eat, you feel as if you are going to throw up because of the knot in your throat, and you feel like a huge weight is pressing you down. That's how I feel right now. I have been feeling this way for a while and the only way I can explain it is that I feel as if something bad or hard or trying is about to happen.

I have been through seasons like this before. Seasons that I have been extra sensitive to the Spirit and could feel the goodness from Him, but could also feel the enemy lurking by. We have been warned about this, however. In 1 Peter 5 it says "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." I take two things from this. The first thing I take is that God loves us so much that He is warning us. If you had a boyfriend/girlfriend/child that would be driving down a road you know is curvy and dangerous you would warn them beforehand to make sure they are aware of the danger and that they are paying attention. God is this loving Father that is warning us that there is some things that may sneak up on us and that life is filled with dangerous curves so we should be alert! The second truth I take from this is that "the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings". This means that we are not alone in our sufferings. We are living life alongside other believers and we're given to each other to be accountability and gifts to each other.

Like I said, I have been through situations and seasons like this. The difference now though is that I am whole heartily seeking Jesus (personally, eternally, intentionally) and that my heart is so closely knit to His. I am resting in His promises and treasuring His compassionate pursual. Through this season I have become aware of some things...

First, we are all sinners. My heart is just as gross and ugly and corrupt as other's hearts. Just because their sin may seem magnified and is visual doesn't mean I am better.

Second, more than anything we need grace and acceptance and prayer. People are put in our lives for a reason. Maybe simply for the fact that I am called to pray and encourage them.

Third, I am in no way, shape or form at a place to judge others. Just because their sin has come to the light, doesn't mean they are worse than me. If anything, they are stronger than me because I have a lot of junk in my life that I suppress and don't want people to know about me.

We are called as believers to be filled with faith. I desire more than anything to be a Proverbs 31 woman... in that she has many great attributes. In verse 17 it says "she dresses herself with strength..."--this is important because we are encouraged later on in 2 Corinthians 12 about weakness and strength. It says "But He said to me. 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will most all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." So this is something so incredibly beautiful to be reminded of.

The next, and I think most important verse for me to remember during this season, is verse 25 which says, "Strength (there's that strength we just talked about again) and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the days to come." Wow. How many times in the past week have we been fearful? Fearful of finances. Fearful of relationships (or lack there of). Fearful of health issues. Fearful of man in general. I don't want to live in fear. In fact we are called not to. There are so many verses about fear in the Bible. There is "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4); "The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1); "The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6); "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Tim. 1:7); "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut. 31:6); "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Is. 41:10); "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, "Abba," Father." (Romans 8:15)--LOVE THIS ONE!!! Those were just a few in the Word that speak against fear. We are commanded, by the Lord Himself, over and over "do.not.fear." Don't do it. There is no good that will come from. It WILL NOT edify you. It WILL NEVER affirm you. It WILL tear you down. Freak you out. And push you away from Jesus... which is a lot more frightening than anything in this world.

So Jesus... be patient with your Beloved. I am so screwed up. I hate sin... but sometimes I allow it into certain parts of my heart and life and I am confessing and repenting that. Lord, I don't want to be a woman who is burdened by evil and bogged down by fear. But rather, Lord let me be a woman who is clothed in strength and dignity, LAUGHS at the days to come and is filled with wisdom and kindness. I pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ right now. God-- we.are.not.perfect. Sometimes it is really easy for us to believe we or others are. So humble us in that. Show us with your grace and mercy and allow us to do the same to each other. Let me not condemn or judge, but rather, love unconditionally. Steady my heart--it is beating wildly right now--and remind me minutely that You are in control, are good and are GOD!

Truth Thursday

This music video is a song that has touched my heart and reminds me DAILY that the Lord is for me and that He is in control of my life!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSMfL5LuSo

I love this beautiful song... My very talented friend Kevin Jones sings this amazing. I wish I had his version of it (I will beg him to record one). Still love this song though!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COk4UoRKp_I

Speaking of Kev... he leads my wonderful church every Sunday morning in worship. He is seriously one of the most talented singers I have ever heard. I get to sing harmony (haha it's a process) with him every once and a while and I absolutely love leading our church to the foot of the cross with him. He is crazy talented and his band Reverchon is insane! So great... here are two of my faves of theirs!

Prepare: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p70yh-1_VBo

Rejoice: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAtqAL6TwGQ

I want Jesus.

I am going through a season right now. A season of change (which I am not a fan of), a season of realization (which can be difficult for a prideful person like me) and a season of waiting (ouch). It has been very humbling so far to see how I handle these different situations and how I react to the different ah-ha moments the Lord reveals to me! Because, to be quite honest, it has been a pretty great struggle these last few weeks. But I came to realize that the struggle underneath every struggle is unbelief.

Unbelief? I have been a Christian for about 20 years... how do I have unbelief? I know that my identity is found in Christ alone. I know that I am a Beloved daughter of the most high King. I know that I have been ransomed, captured, captivated and pursued. I know that I am sealed in the blood of Jesus... but just because I know this.... does that mean I believe it?

When life is going peachy for me, and my kids at school are listening to me and not being defiant or screaming at me (haha that'd be nice)... it is easy to see Jesus. When that guy is calling me daily, texting me to tell me that I was "put on his heart" that morning and that he prayed for me, and being pursued in a godly way...it is easy to see Jesus. But what about when that doesn't happen? What about when I have a child laying in the middle of the hallway crying and screaming at the top of his lungs? What about when I have a parent that is being hateful to me and calling me incompetent? What about when I find out the guy who was supposedly such an amazing man of God...was leading me on and other girls as well? Then what? For me... I go into shut down mode. I realize that my expectations are not being met, and that they probably were unrealistic or that I messed them up somehow; and I close myself off. I become impatient at school. I become bitter to that parent and their child. I think that all the good guys are gone, because the men are few and far between, and either think I should lower my standards or give up altogether. Basically I shut down my lifeline to Jesus... my heart. However, instead of shutting down our hearts, we should rather cultivate and tend to those places that are the most tender. It is perfectly possible to be content in the Lord and still desire something you do not have.

Singleness can be a difficult label. But something we must remember is that the word single is not defining or determinative. It is an adjective. It's describing something about me at this moment in time... it's simply a description. There are times when it is more difficult than others. When my car breaks down, when I am afraid, when something isn't working at my house, when I am lonely... I desire that assurance from a man. I am fully capable of doing it-- but my heart leans towards someone stronger, braver and better at those things than I am. I yearn for headship over my life. I do! Many have a problem with the word submit. "Wives submit to your husbands..." That isn't hard for me. I desire to be submissive. I long to have that leadership over me and someone to guide and direct me. I desire to be known fully and completely by a man. I want to have someone to love, live life with, encourage, bless and serve alongside of.

And if we don't have it, we begin to believe lies..."my life will begin when I get married", "my ministry will begin when I get married", "I'm not married because there is something wrong with me" (we fear we are not enough or too much), "I'd be married if I was in a better place spiritually", "I'd be married if I trusted God more", "I have made God angry with me, so He is holding out". These are completely false. They are lies. That's why it is so important for us to be anchored in the cross and tackle those lies when they come to our minds.

In Piper's book, "A Sweet and Bitter Providence", he says this..."If we can keep our eyes on the cross of Christ, where God infallibly certified His love for us...then the pain He ordains for us will not undermine our sense of being loved. Instead, we will put our hands on our mouths and bow before His all-loving, all-ruling providence. We will trust Him to only do us good - whether it feels good or not at the moment. And we will wait for the day when all will be repaid and made plain." Meaning... we cannot look at our circumstances as a means of measurement. God has so many beautiful attributes... He is wise (He knows what is best for his children), He is generous (He gives what is best for his children), He is loving (He does what is best for his children), and He is good (He is what is best for his children). All of these things should sustain us. They should excited us. Encourage us. Fill us. Bless us.

Because yes, I desire to be married and have kids. But above being a wife, above having kids, above having sex, above feeling encouraged by a man, above losing my label of singleness, above having a husband to live life with... I.WANT.JESUS. He is NOT a consolation prize. He is the treasure. He is the best. He is the greatest. There is nothing better. There is nothing compared to Him. He will not leave you. He will not give you fading satisfaction. He will pursue always, cherish continually and love eternally. He is everything.

"The most important thing about you is what you think about when you think about God!" -A.W. Towzer

Learning how to Nurture Contentment

Today was a hard day. I don't like to "air out my dirty laundry" or my "girly moments" but tonight was hard. I was believing lies and those lies were overlapping the truth I have in my life. Thankfully the Lord has blessed me with amazing women in my life that speak truth over me, join me in this warfare and get on their knees and intercede on my behalf.

My beautiful friends sent me scripture to meditate on and pray over my life and I loved it! Some of them were already underlined in my bible and was a good reminder of truth I had once heard, while others were new and applied wonderfully to the current posture of my heart. My precious friend Ashley recommended going to thevillagechurch.net and listening to their Singles Conference (click on the village church link and it will take you there). I had already heard the first session about "Fixing Our Eyes On Jesus" and loved it. So I went and listened to the second session that was called "Nurturing Contentment"... and wow. The Lord is so perfect to give us exactly what we need, exactly how we need it at exactly the time we need it. I was bawling through the entire session--and it was 55 minutes long.

It was hard to listen to, but the truth was radiating through the computer. One of the most powerful things that Beau said was "Because I didn't cultivate and nurture contentment in my singleness then I took discontentment into my family. My role as a husband, father, preacher... all of those were and are still effected by this." That got my attention. I realized that I am not discontent because I am single or because my job drives me crazy this year. I struggle with these issues because I struggle to trust in God. My posture of heart is displaced. Because we serve a sovereign Lord. He IS what is best for me and always DOES what is best for me.

Beau broke it down a little further and defined contentment two different ways:

-The first definition was by Sinclair Ferguson. He said, "Contentment is the direct fruit of having no higher ambition than to belong to the LORD at His disposal."

-The second definition was by Jeremiah Burroughs. His definition of contentment was "Christian contentment is that sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit which freely submits to and delights in God's wise and Fatherly disposal in every condition."

If we take a look in Genesis 3, the Fall, we see where discontentment is born. Adam and Eve believed the lies the serpent fed to them and sin was established. Sin says that other things are infinitely honorable, desirable and more worthy/satisfying than God. But Jesus has come to save us from our sin. He has come to heal our crippled souls. When we are discontent we show a lack of gratitude and an abundance of arrogance. We believe that ultimately we could run our own lives better and have a better view of what we need and deserve. How ridiculous are we? What makes us think that we are entitled to any of this? When we are so discontent we focus on what we don't have. What the Lord blesses us with often highlights that we haven't gotten what we truly want.

I was frustrated that I let my heart get to this point. So how do we get out of it? We need to first and foremost have a repentant spirit. Repent from those murmurs and grumblings that shift your focus from blessings to discontentment. And then we need to pray and ask the Spirit to teach us how to be content. In Philippians 4:12 Paul is writing to the church and says, "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I HAVE LEARNED the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." He learned, which means he had to be taught. We should constantly be asking the Spirit to bring sin to the surface and cut that sin out of our lives and replace it with goodness.

I have had the opportunity to have many people write me and tell me about how they are hearing truth from these blog posts. My prayer is that the Lord uses this cry and tough stepping stone in my life to encourage and spur you on as well. I pray that you become content in the Lord and His promises for your life and that you seek Him through every situation. He loves you and has GOODNESS for your life... even if it's hard to see it at the moment.

Why do I worry? Why am I anxious?

Heavenly Father

You always amaze me

Let your kingdom come

In my world and in my life

You give me the food I need

To live through the day

And forgive me as I forgive

The people that wronged me

Lead me far from temptation

Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why am I anxious?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Chorus (3x):
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

This is so the cry of my heart right now. I am a worrier. I am anxious. I KNOW that God knows what I need... but I don't think that I fully believe He can fulfill those needs. But I need to look to the Gospel and realize the promises He gives me each day:

Psalm 147: 1-11

"Praise the LORD.

How good it is to sing praises to our God,
how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.
The LORD sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.

Sing to the LORD with grateful praise;
make music to our God on the harp.

He covers the sky with clouds;
he supplies the earth with rain
and makes grass grow on the hills.
He provides food for the cattle
and for the young ravens when they call.

His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of the warrior;
the LORD delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love."

He loves us... and His love is STRONG. He is not a weak God. He is powerful and delicate. He is big and intricate. He is to be feared, but also completely sovereign. He is the Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and everywhere. He is our Beloved. Our Pursuer. Our Daddy. Our Comforter. Our Lover. Our Captivator. Our Creator. Our Encourager. Our Joy. Our Protector. Our Worth. Our Security. Our Refiner. Our Life.

He is good.