Thursday, October 20, 2011

But most of all, I miss him.

Tears. It hit me today... "What a precious little boy!" "That's my Daniel", I reply, looking at my computer screen. It's five simple words from a random lady that brings me to tears. I am sitting in a training... dazing and wishing I was in my classroom... when my mind turns from Math TEKS to Africa. Tears. Not simple watering. Burning liquid inside my eyes. Straining in my throat. I have to get up and go to the restroom to try and regain my composure. how can I yearn for him so much? I was only with him for a few days and yet he is burned into my heart.

I miss it. I miss the uncomfortableness. I miss the difficult sights. I miss the beautiful language. I miss the excitement. I miss the humbling ways the Lord allowed me to feel, when people I did not even know were so ecstatic to see me. I even miss the smells. But most of all, I miss him.

He is eight. At least that's what he believes. His health is poor and his English is worse. But I understood him. When you hear love is a universal language it is so true. The first night I ever laid eyes on him I knew it. There was something different. I had already spent a week in Uganda and hugged, played with and prayed over hundreds of kids. But when he looked at me that first night, my heart grew 10 sizes.

We bonded immediately. I tried not to scare him, or to play favorites, but I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I felt a tug when he looked at me. The first time he smiled, I remember like it was yesterday, my eyes filled with tears. I instantly knew that THIS child was different than the rest. That THIS child would not only get my attention or prayers or love... but he would get my heart.

We would hug. Oh those hugs. I could hold him in my arms forever. I remember before we left I was bawling, holding onto that embrace as long as I could, kissing his sweet, dirty cheeks and whispering... "Stephanie loves you. Do you know that? Stephanie loves you! I love you so much. Do you understand me?" He would smile, unaware of the situation that would soon take place, and simply say "yes". Then I would repeat it. I think I was afraid he didn't truly understand or know the depth of my love for him. I think part of me was afraid he would forget. He would question. He would think I left him and wouldn't realize its because I HAD to not because I WANTED to.
I still wonder if I will ever see him again. Is it possible? Has the Lord ordained it? Or is he just a little boy who stole my heart? Is he just a child who openly trusted and loved a mother figure when his had disappointed him? I get angry sometimes. I wanted to love him forever. It is hard to be given someone to love and cherish and develop a relationship with and then have that child stripped away. It almost seems unfair. But then I have to remember two things: the first is that God loves ALL His children and has the best for them. So if the best thing for my precious Daniel is to live in Africa his entire life and have a family of 85 "brothers and sisters" and never get adopted or taken out of Nakuru then I have to be okay with it. And two, if the Lord has another road for me to go down that never lets me cross paths with this beautiful child again, I have to trust it is the best for my heart and my life. I have to choose to look at the good in it and not the torment I feel. Because the good news is, that torment is of THIS world... so when I am in a life that torment and sadness and oceans aren't barriers-- I believe I will one day hold my baby Daniel again!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Thinking Happy Thursday Thoughts

- Handwritten Letters
-Christmas lights at night
-When you glance over at someone and he is already looking at you!
-Waking up and remembering your dream...
-...being able to go back to sleep and continue your dream!
-Texts to hear that someone is thinking of you.
-When someone plays with your hair!!
-When a person's laugh is funnier than their joke.
- The way it sounds when someone special says your name.
-When someone remembers something you have said.
-The look on the groom's face when he sees the bride for the first time.
-Making eye contact with a person who knows exactly what you're thinking without saying a word.
-Being able to fall asleep right away.
-Going to bed knowing you can sleep as long as you want.
-When he smiles at you.
-Words of affirmation that remind you how precious you are to the Lord and His will!

Happy Thursday! :)

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Insecurity... You are not my friend.

We as women know this too well. It can be brought on by many different things. Your man admiring another woman. You not having a man. You listening to the world when they tell you that you are not on the "timeline" like you should be. Or even listening to the soft, faint whisper of your own voice saying "What is wrong with me?"

We all have insecurities. Some of them are similar and some of them are different. The hurt us. They limit us. They distract us. They tear us apart and leave us wounded. The cheat us from having an abundant and intimate relationship with our Beloved. They are suffocating at times and jipping us from our abilities and gifts that we have had bestowed on us.

Many insecurities come from how we feel by men. I don't want to look like I am bashing men because I am not. I love men... my FAVORITE person in the world is a God-fearing, selfless, kind, compassionate, humble man. I have seen how you can be a "manly-man" but still passionately pursue the Father through the example of my Daddy. He is friends with everyone... and their mother, grandmother and their dog. He loves people and shares that love with them. He invites people in, makes people feel welcomed and special and knows how to brightened your day if it isn't going so well. The other day, in fact, I was having a terrible day and my Daddy just happened to call. After complaining about my day and then ending the conversation with him, I got another call from him almost immediately. He told me to get ready and he would be at my house in 20 minutes to take me out! It didn't matter that the Rangers were playing. It didn't matter that he had been gone all day at work and was exhausted. He loved me so purely that he hurt when I was hurt and he wanted to do anything in his mere earthly power to bring a smile to my face and make me feel loved. So all that to say, I am not bashing men. haha

We all long to be affirmed. I know I do-- that is my love language so I thrive under steady affirmation. I mean, what woman wouldn't want to hear "You are timeless. You are captivating. You take my breath away. You are so beautiful. Desirable. Unbelievable. Exquisite."? But what if no one told us that? Would I be okay? Would you? Or what if the words are said, but they are empty and meaningless? How would we feel if they were said because they were suppose to be said? Does that make us feel hopeless? If he doesn't think we are really beautiful or captivating are we dubbed worthless? What if he is not a man who gives compliments? He just isn't that considerate or just doesn't think about it? What if he has pictures on his computer, in his room, on a calendar or gorgeous women? And what if we are in no shape or form anywhere close to looking like that? Can we still feel sufficient in our media-driven society that pushes appearance and looking young? What if you are single (shout out) and there is no man that you have found that is someone you want to take home to Daddy? Does this make me... err I mean you... a loser? Hopeless? Incomplete? Can we only find womanhood in the presence of a man?

Men are not our problem. It is what we are trying to constantly get from them and manipulate them to do that makes this all messy. We cannot find our worth and womanhood from our men. Guys have become our mirrors that we look at to see ourselves as valuable. Pretty. Desirable. Hopeful. Worthy of notice, time and attention. We watch the way they respond to us. We try to read and dissect every expression and mood to define whether it is us they are into or if we have competition. But I tend to become so incredibly frustrated in this process. And I know that it is because I feel shot down, and my pride is wounded.

Maybe the real person I am frustrated with is myself. Maybe I am mad that I feel I need any of this or that any of this is needed to make me feel better. I don't need anything else in this world besides what I already have. As if this life battle we face daily isn't difficult enough, we sabotage ourselves. We condemn ourselves. We think, like I said earlier, "Why am I not handling this better?", or "Why am I letting this effect me the way it is?" or "I know better than this. I can't believe I've fallen for this again!"

But the enemy is winning when we second guess. He desires us, and has more to gain, when we are set-back. Because I-- whoops I mean we-- are way more likely to want to quit when we feel hopeless and lost. When we feel weak, stupid and like such an idiot. It makes me so angry that I can be so easily shaken at this point in life. Like I should be stronger now. Because usually when I feel secure in the Lord, like Jesus and me are besties, a huge earthquake wrecks my sync. So this is a fight that will continue-- and hopefully one day soon I will find a way to overcome it. Until then... I will put my hope in Jesus and continue to state that I am no friend of insecurity and the chaos it brings to my life! But the exciting thing is that I know the outcome and it is that I am on the winning team. And THAT gives me hope.