Sunday, December 4, 2011

I want Jesus.

I am going through a season right now. A season of change (which I am not a fan of), a season of realization (which can be difficult for a prideful person like me) and a season of waiting (ouch). It has been very humbling so far to see how I handle these different situations and how I react to the different ah-ha moments the Lord reveals to me! Because, to be quite honest, it has been a pretty great struggle these last few weeks. But I came to realize that the struggle underneath every struggle is unbelief.

Unbelief? I have been a Christian for about 20 years... how do I have unbelief? I know that my identity is found in Christ alone. I know that I am a Beloved daughter of the most high King. I know that I have been ransomed, captured, captivated and pursued. I know that I am sealed in the blood of Jesus... but just because I know this.... does that mean I believe it?

When life is going peachy for me, and my kids at school are listening to me and not being defiant or screaming at me (haha that'd be nice)... it is easy to see Jesus. When that guy is calling me daily, texting me to tell me that I was "put on his heart" that morning and that he prayed for me, and being pursued in a godly is easy to see Jesus. But what about when that doesn't happen? What about when I have a child laying in the middle of the hallway crying and screaming at the top of his lungs? What about when I have a parent that is being hateful to me and calling me incompetent? What about when I find out the guy who was supposedly such an amazing man of God...was leading me on and other girls as well? Then what? For me... I go into shut down mode. I realize that my expectations are not being met, and that they probably were unrealistic or that I messed them up somehow; and I close myself off. I become impatient at school. I become bitter to that parent and their child. I think that all the good guys are gone, because the men are few and far between, and either think I should lower my standards or give up altogether. Basically I shut down my lifeline to Jesus... my heart. However, instead of shutting down our hearts, we should rather cultivate and tend to those places that are the most tender. It is perfectly possible to be content in the Lord and still desire something you do not have.

Singleness can be a difficult label. But something we must remember is that the word single is not defining or determinative. It is an adjective. It's describing something about me at this moment in time... it's simply a description. There are times when it is more difficult than others. When my car breaks down, when I am afraid, when something isn't working at my house, when I am lonely... I desire that assurance from a man. I am fully capable of doing it-- but my heart leans towards someone stronger, braver and better at those things than I am. I yearn for headship over my life. I do! Many have a problem with the word submit. "Wives submit to your husbands..." That isn't hard for me. I desire to be submissive. I long to have that leadership over me and someone to guide and direct me. I desire to be known fully and completely by a man. I want to have someone to love, live life with, encourage, bless and serve alongside of.

And if we don't have it, we begin to believe lies..."my life will begin when I get married", "my ministry will begin when I get married", "I'm not married because there is something wrong with me" (we fear we are not enough or too much), "I'd be married if I was in a better place spiritually", "I'd be married if I trusted God more", "I have made God angry with me, so He is holding out". These are completely false. They are lies. That's why it is so important for us to be anchored in the cross and tackle those lies when they come to our minds.

In Piper's book, "A Sweet and Bitter Providence", he says this..."If we can keep our eyes on the cross of Christ, where God infallibly certified His love for us...then the pain He ordains for us will not undermine our sense of being loved. Instead, we will put our hands on our mouths and bow before His all-loving, all-ruling providence. We will trust Him to only do us good - whether it feels good or not at the moment. And we will wait for the day when all will be repaid and made plain." Meaning... we cannot look at our circumstances as a means of measurement. God has so many beautiful attributes... He is wise (He knows what is best for his children), He is generous (He gives what is best for his children), He is loving (He does what is best for his children), and He is good (He is what is best for his children). All of these things should sustain us. They should excited us. Encourage us. Fill us. Bless us.

Because yes, I desire to be married and have kids. But above being a wife, above having kids, above having sex, above feeling encouraged by a man, above losing my label of singleness, above having a husband to live life with... I.WANT.JESUS. He is NOT a consolation prize. He is the treasure. He is the best. He is the greatest. There is nothing better. There is nothing compared to Him. He will not leave you. He will not give you fading satisfaction. He will pursue always, cherish continually and love eternally. He is everything.

"The most important thing about you is what you think about when you think about God!" -A.W. Towzer

1 comment:

  1. There were a lot of yups and uh-huhs while reading this post! And also almost tears when I read the part about longing to have that leadership of a husband directing and guiding you. I feel the same way. I also feel sometimes that I should lower my standards of what I look for in a Godly man...One book I've read that has kept me inspired not to give up is "When God writes your Love Story". If you have a chance check it out-it's written by a couple that are living a God written love story-their story is almost too good to be true, however, it gives you hope. Keep up the good writing!