Saturday, June 25, 2016

What Now?

It's just after midnight on June 25th. This was suppose to be the day that I was headed back to the continent that has caused such growth and pull towards the Lord over the last five years. But instead of last minute packing, double checking for passport and info documents, and the exciting/anxious feelings to creep up... I am sitting in bed typing to try and have an outlet for the thoughts zooming through my head.

Since I wrote my last post I have had such sweet words of encouragement and prayers sent my way. Most people know how much I-- and my team-- love the people of Kenya and can somewhat understand what I must be feeling. However, I have got a few "Okay-- so now that this trip is over, where are you going to go now?" or "So-- why don't you use that money and just go to another part of the world this summer?" I know that people mean well-- but A) this wasn't just a trip that can be replaced by other orphans or people in need. These were relationships that have been cultivated and established over the past 5 years. Could I travel to help other orphans in another part of the world? Sure. Would it be beneficial? Yeah-- of course. The Lord can do great things with those who are willing. But going just because a time slot opened up, and to cover the pain of this trip being canceled, would just be like putting a band-aid over a deep cut. It may prevent some of the hurt-- but it still needs to be tended to. I KNOW the Lord is good and even though this doesn't make sense... I know He is God and in control... but I still have to work through the loss and disappointment of it all. Also, B) planning an international mission trip takes a little longer than 3 weeks. haha

So, what now? This has been a whirlwind... on one hand, I feel totally at ease. I have had so many different crazy things happen before or on trips that the Lord brought me through faithfully. So I truly believe, if He said "No." for the trip... there was a reason. He has comforted and gone before me in this and I am so grateful for that. However, on the other hand, I am not sure I have fully comprehended/dealt with the fact I am not going. I think I just kinda "mourned" a bit and got busy with life to avoid the hurt and pain of working through that. One of these days-- maybe tomorrow, maybe weeks from now-- it's going to hit. I just am speaking truth over my heart saying "The Lord isn't bringing this up to be mean or spiteful... but, rather, for sanctification and growth. Everything is not going to go our way. Our timelines are not matched up with the Lord's timeline/will for our lives (Can I get an Amen?)... but that does not mean He doesn't run to tend to the brokenhearted. He is the One who intricately wove the deep yearning towards Africa and specifically towards the children at Fiwagoh in my heart. Does this mean it's a forever thing? Who knows-- the end of this season of my life may be ending-- I don't know. All I can do is stand with hands unclenched, arms high, and heart abandoned and let Him write my story.

You may be saying... "haha Okay Steph-- but you didn't answer our question. Now what?" I will very humbly and boldly say "I have no idea. I don't know if the Lord will all me back to Fiwagoh... or Kenya... or Africa... or even over seas anymore. But I do know that I don't have to worry about it because I am loved and led (and so are those sweet babies I miss so much) by a really good Father."

But now, this is what the Lord says-- He who created you, Jacob, He who formed you, Israel:“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of  Israel, your Savior."
3    -

-Isaiah 43:1-3

**This morning I woke up to my Timehop telling me that five years ago in 2011, I was headed on my first trip to Africa. It was a sweet reminder of the promises, and gifts, the Lord has given me as His daughter. He has brought me so far. Molded me so carefully and intentionally. Just because I was willing and said, "Send Me!"**



What Now?

It's just after midnight on June 25th. This was suppose to be the day that I was headed back to the continent that has caused such growth and pull towards the Lord over the last five years. But instead of last minute packing, double checking for passport and info documents, and the exciting/anxious feelings to creep up... I am sitting in bed typing to try and have an outlet for the thoughts zooming through my head.

Since I wrote my last post I have had such sweet words of encouragement and prayers sent my way. Most people know how much I-- and my team-- love the people of Kenya and can somewhat understand what I must be feeling. However, I have got a few "Okay-- so now that this trip is over, where are you going to go now?" or "So-- why don't you use that money and just go to another part of the world this summer?" I know that people mean well-- but A) this wasn't just a trip that can be replaced by other orphans or people in need. These were relationships that have been cultivated and established over the past 5 years. Could I travel to help other orphans in another part of the world? Sure. Would it be beneficial? Yeah-- of course. The Lord can do great things with those who are willing. But going just because a time slot opened up, and to cover the pain of this trip being canceled, would just be like putting a band-aid over a deep cut. It may prevent some of the hurt-- but it still needs to be tended to. I KNOW the Lord is good and even though this doesn't make sense... I know He is God and in control... but I still have to work through the loss and disappointment of it all. Also, B) planning an international mission trip takes a little longer than 3 weeks. haha

So, what now? This has been a whirlwind... on one hand, I feel totally at ease. I have had so many different crazy things happen before or on trips that the Lord brought me through faithfully. So I truly believe, if He said "No." for the trip... there was a reason. He has comforted and gone before me in this and I am so grateful for that. However, on the other hand, I am not sure I have fully comprehended/dealt with the fact I am not going. I think I just kinda "mourned" a bit and got busy with life to avoid the hurt and pain of working through that. One of these days-- maybe tomorrow, maybe weeks from now-- it's going to hit. I just am speaking truth over my heart saying "The Lord isn't bringing this up to be mean or spiteful... but, rather, for sanctification and growth. Everything is not going to go our way. Our timelines are not matched up with the Lord's timeline/will for our lives (Can I get an Amen?)... but that does not mean He doesn't run to tend to the brokenhearted." He is the One who intricately wove the deep yearning towards Africa and specifically towards the children at Fiwagoh in my heart. Does this mean it's a forever thing? Who knows-- the end of this season of my life may be ending-- I don't know. All I can do is stand with hands unclenched, arms high, and heart abandoned and let Him write my story.

You may be saying... "haha Okay Steph-- but you didn't answer our question. Now what?" I will very humbly and boldly say "I have no idea. I don't know if the Lord will call me back to Fiwagoh... or Kenya... or Africa... or even over seas anymore. But I do know that I don't have to worry about it because I am loved and led (and so are those sweet babies I miss so much) by a really good Father."

But now, this is what the Lord says-- He who created you, Jacob, He who formed you, Israel:“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of  Israel, your Savior."
3    -

-Isaiah 43:1-3

**This morning I woke up to my Timehop telling me that five years ago in 2011, I was headed on my first trip to Africa. It was a sweet reminder of the promises, and gifts, the Lord has given me as His daughter. He has brought me so far. Molded me so carefully and intentionally. Just because I was willing and said, "Send Me!"**

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

When God closes an Africa shaped door...

I've sat here staring at this blank page, trying to figure out what to say, for days. I began writing this a week ago, and left it in edit form, until I finally went back and finished it this weekend. Trying to break through the many questions I had... some being, where do I begin? How do I express the heartbreak I feel inside? If you know me, then you know I have a heart for Africa and the people groups that make up that beautiful continent. Also, you probably know how every summer I go to stay at an orphanage in Kenya to live life with 230 of the most precious children I have ever encountered. Along with loving on the kids, I get to work hand in hand with the teachers that teach these kiddos at the school on the compound. The relationships that have formed and the racial reconciliation that has so beautifully unraveled (only through Jesus) has been so humbling to be apart of. Every summer I have known where I will go-- without question-- KENYA!

Unfortunately, do to certain restrictions that prevent our leaders from going, our trip was cancelled. Reading the email I felt like I had the air kicked out of me. For the last 5 years, I have spent weeks with these babies that not only showed me a clearer picture of Jesus, but also allowed me to be filled up while I was pouring out. The Lord ALWAYS taught me something while in Africa. One year He taught me about my fears... and how staying in my fears will cripple and diminish truths I have learned in my walk with Him. One year, I learned how to trust when things were scary. I left to go when things seemed uncertain. I walked away from my parents at the airport who looked at me as if I was never coming back. And, I was going into a country that didn't share in the same religious freedoms I was born into. It shook me-- HARD. But it also allowed brokenness and caused reliance on a Father who knows more and goes before me. Most importantly, every year the Lord has softened a different part of my heart for adoption. He not only showed me what adoption means to my life... I was chosen, brought into His family; but He also showed me what the importance of adoption is (because of my vertical adoption I am being called to horizontally adopt here on Earth). He cultivated a love for the Fatherless that will filter into my own family in the future.

This same God that went before me and calmed all those fears and worries all those years ago, showed up immediately after I read the email. A peace that was so calming washed over me and I knew that even though this hurt terribly.... this was for my good! Whether it was for my protection or those kiddos... He whispered truths of His will to my heart. Familiar promises like "I am the Alpha and Omega... Beginning and the End.", "I have plans to help you and not to harm you... to give you hope and a future.', "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...", "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the LORD, who has compassion on you.", and lastly "I am leaving you with a gift-- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid." All of these truths that were straight out of the Word came flooding into my heart and mind. I was still upset. I was still sobbing. But I was sobbing with hands opened, on the floor of my bedroom singing "You give and take away... blessed be Your name!" I was crying out "You're a GOOD GOOD Father... it's who You are! And I'm LOVED BY YOU.... it's who I am!"

The future for us is unknown. Will I ever see these children again? I'm not sure. Will I ever get to whisper "Nakupenda Sana" into their ears as I hug and squeeze them? Maybe not. But I have to remember something... these kids will be okay. Not because I visited them all those years. Not because I sponsored them. Not because I took time out of my life to go see and love on them. No... these children will be okay because they have a Father who loves them deeply, dearly, and fully. He knows the hurt they've felt. He was with them through the abuse and neglect. He sent His Son to be crucified as a replacement for their precious lives. These kids are not going to be okay because some Mzungu showed up back in 2011 and fell in love with them.... they're going to be okay because they are loved by our Beloved. The Lord didn't NEED me to accomplish anything at this orphanage or in these kiddos lives... but I sure am thankful He allowed me to be apart of it!

**Thank you for all the love and support you have given me this year (and all the years before that). If you helped me this year financially I will be in contact with you to let you know how a refund can occur or (as some have asked already) how I can use your gift to still bless these precious children! Love you all so much!*