Saturday, October 8, 2011

Insecurity... You are not my friend.

We as women know this too well. It can be brought on by many different things. Your man admiring another woman. You not having a man. You listening to the world when they tell you that you are not on the "timeline" like you should be. Or even listening to the soft, faint whisper of your own voice saying "What is wrong with me?"

We all have insecurities. Some of them are similar and some of them are different. The hurt us. They limit us. They distract us. They tear us apart and leave us wounded. The cheat us from having an abundant and intimate relationship with our Beloved. They are suffocating at times and jipping us from our abilities and gifts that we have had bestowed on us.

Many insecurities come from how we feel by men. I don't want to look like I am bashing men because I am not. I love men... my FAVORITE person in the world is a God-fearing, selfless, kind, compassionate, humble man. I have seen how you can be a "manly-man" but still passionately pursue the Father through the example of my Daddy. He is friends with everyone... and their mother, grandmother and their dog. He loves people and shares that love with them. He invites people in, makes people feel welcomed and special and knows how to brightened your day if it isn't going so well. The other day, in fact, I was having a terrible day and my Daddy just happened to call. After complaining about my day and then ending the conversation with him, I got another call from him almost immediately. He told me to get ready and he would be at my house in 20 minutes to take me out! It didn't matter that the Rangers were playing. It didn't matter that he had been gone all day at work and was exhausted. He loved me so purely that he hurt when I was hurt and he wanted to do anything in his mere earthly power to bring a smile to my face and make me feel loved. So all that to say, I am not bashing men. haha

We all long to be affirmed. I know I do-- that is my love language so I thrive under steady affirmation. I mean, what woman wouldn't want to hear "You are timeless. You are captivating. You take my breath away. You are so beautiful. Desirable. Unbelievable. Exquisite."? But what if no one told us that? Would I be okay? Would you? Or what if the words are said, but they are empty and meaningless? How would we feel if they were said because they were suppose to be said? Does that make us feel hopeless? If he doesn't think we are really beautiful or captivating are we dubbed worthless? What if he is not a man who gives compliments? He just isn't that considerate or just doesn't think about it? What if he has pictures on his computer, in his room, on a calendar or gorgeous women? And what if we are in no shape or form anywhere close to looking like that? Can we still feel sufficient in our media-driven society that pushes appearance and looking young? What if you are single (shout out) and there is no man that you have found that is someone you want to take home to Daddy? Does this make me... err I mean you... a loser? Hopeless? Incomplete? Can we only find womanhood in the presence of a man?

Men are not our problem. It is what we are trying to constantly get from them and manipulate them to do that makes this all messy. We cannot find our worth and womanhood from our men. Guys have become our mirrors that we look at to see ourselves as valuable. Pretty. Desirable. Hopeful. Worthy of notice, time and attention. We watch the way they respond to us. We try to read and dissect every expression and mood to define whether it is us they are into or if we have competition. But I tend to become so incredibly frustrated in this process. And I know that it is because I feel shot down, and my pride is wounded.

Maybe the real person I am frustrated with is myself. Maybe I am mad that I feel I need any of this or that any of this is needed to make me feel better. I don't need anything else in this world besides what I already have. As if this life battle we face daily isn't difficult enough, we sabotage ourselves. We condemn ourselves. We think, like I said earlier, "Why am I not handling this better?", or "Why am I letting this effect me the way it is?" or "I know better than this. I can't believe I've fallen for this again!"

But the enemy is winning when we second guess. He desires us, and has more to gain, when we are set-back. Because I-- whoops I mean we-- are way more likely to want to quit when we feel hopeless and lost. When we feel weak, stupid and like such an idiot. It makes me so angry that I can be so easily shaken at this point in life. Like I should be stronger now. Because usually when I feel secure in the Lord, like Jesus and me are besties, a huge earthquake wrecks my sync. So this is a fight that will continue-- and hopefully one day soon I will find a way to overcome it. Until then... I will put my hope in Jesus and continue to state that I am no friend of insecurity and the chaos it brings to my life! But the exciting thing is that I know the outcome and it is that I am on the winning team. And THAT gives me hope.

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