Saturday, December 25, 2010


My heart has been burdened lately. So many desires are burning and stirring up inside me. Desires that I cannot fulfill and have to place into the Lord's hands.

-The first cry of my heart is for Africa. For some reason this continent has come to mean so much to me. I have a yearning to serve and love on the people there. I have looked for opportunities to go there this summer but can't seem to find any organization to go with. I know the Lord has specifically told me AFRICA for some reason. Whether that is because I am going to go this summer, or later on in life, He has never the less given me a longing for this people group.

-The next desire I have is for companionship...for the long haul. haha I know I know--I am just like every other girl my age. All their friends are up and getting married and they feel left out and lonely and want to find their own "Prince Charming". However, as much truth there is in those words, that is not my only reasoning. You see--I love serving people. And lately I have ached for a spouse to serve. I don't just mean to make dinner for and clean up after. I mean passionately serve. To be that Proverbs 31 woman who in on my knees for this man daily; who is out in the mission field loving on and caring for God's people alongside him; who is completely content with his unconditional love and willing to submit and follow this man who leads and pastors me all the days of my earthly life. There are two problems however. The first of the two is that the Lord's timeline and mine don't match up. And even though I think I am so ready for this-- the Lord may not. I don't have a boyfriend. I haven't had a date in--well since college. And there is no prospects in sight. Problem number two is that when I do begin to like a man I get so wrapped up in the situation and idea of it all that I make him sooo important. I am not chill. I am not nonchalant. I begin to make him somewhat of an idol. And that is why I think I haven't had this happen yet. I have to learn to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus whether there is a boy in the picture or not. I have to find my complete worth in HIM on the good days and on the bad days... when I am content and when I am lonely... on the mountains and in the valleys. Until then--I don't see this desire becoming fulfilled.

-The third cry of my heart is for my witness. I feel like sometimes it is just a show. I want to be branded with the "good christian" title that my desires become tainted. This brings me to my knees in heartbreak and sickness. This is not of the Lord. The talents the Lord has blessed me with can become a stumbling block if I don't constantly have my guard up against the enemy. He is trying to pull my down and knock me off when I am doing well. This can occur in many situations-- for example... say I am singing and worshipping the Lord and then someone hears me and says " sing amazing. You are so good." This in itself is not a sin. It is the pride that sometimes follows that is the sin. This can be better tamed with four little words with a huge, humbling meaning.... "It's not about me!" It's not about me. I need to remember that without the Lord and His love and His blessings I am nothing.

I will try not to get discouraged about this. The fact that I see these now gives me hope. I am constantly being molded and refined by the Lord so I know that He is faithful. He is a good God who has plans to "help and not to harm me--to give me hope and a future" -Jeremiah. 29:11 My Beloved is good and He is ALWAYS with me.

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