Zablon

I have been home from my annual Africa trip about a week now and am just beginning to process things. This year was different than most… we didn't have a huge list of to-do's... which allowed for a lot of intentional time with the kiddos. We got to truly know them… hear their stories… live life with them… and invest in them. It was actually one of the most rewarding and difficult three week spans of my life. When you jump into life with someone you see the good, the bad, and the ugly. After hearing some of these stories my heart broke in ways that I never knew possible.

One specific child impacted me in a way I was not prepared for. His name was Zablon and he had only been at the orphanage a few months. He was noticeably timid, shy, and pulled back. We were the first team he had ever met-- and maybe the first mzungus (white people) he had ever had contact with. This child, though unsure at first, was constantly by my side early on. Whether I was at the school, down at the field, or sitting with the kids at supper time, Zablon was there. I remember vividly one night we were tucking in the younger kiddos. We would go from bed to bed, tuck them in tight, whisper Nakupenda Sana (I love you so much), and pray with them. On this particular night I decided to go to the boy's dorm. Many of the children that have stolen my heart at Fiwagoh are little boys, so I chose to go over there and spend some extra time with them before they went to sleep. After hugging a few of the boys I walked up to the bed of Zablon. His head was down, his covers were up around his face, and he was pretty still (not like the other crazies running around the room). I tucked him in, whispered I loved him, and tried to look at him. He wouldn't budge-- and in fact-- he put effort into not letting me see him. I giggled and said, "Hey-- Z… why won't you look at me?" and that was when I saw them… tears. A lot of tears. All over his sweater, his mattress, his covers, and now my hand. Becoming worried I asked him, "Baby, what's wrong?" He said something that was unrecognizable due to the heavy crying that had taken over his body. "What? Say that again-- I couldn't hear you!"…. "I don't have a mom and dad. They are dead. I am all alone."

Silence. Stillness. I felt like I was watching this interaction in slow motion- with all the wildness going on around me- and was at a loss for words. I know many of these kiddos are orphans. I can comprehend that most of them have gone through difficult situations and circumstances…. but this. True, excruciating pain… coming from a 10 year old little boy who was broken. He was hurting. His heart longed for comfort, rescue… and all I had were words. I scooped him up to me and did the only things I knew to do in a moment like that…. I prayed over him and wept with him. I wept for the hurt he was experiencing. I wept for the mom and dad that he missed. I wept for the loneliness he felt in a sea of children. I wept for the fear that- I can only imagine- would come with moving to a new city, home, and environment where you know nothing or no one. Everyone was leaving to go to the next dorm but I wanted to stay. However, I left. I reminded him I loved him, kissed his forehead and cheeks, and walked out of the dorm. 

The lump that was in my throat was suffocating. I wanted to run away. Run from this hurt. Run from this pain. Run from this responsibility that was so weighty. But I couldn't. I walked to the girl's dorm… hugged and kissed many of them-- not lingering long enough to think-- and eventually left the other hugs and kisses to my team members and walked upstairs. I smiled and hugged older kids along the way… walked into my room… and fell to the ground. The weight of this sorrow completely took over my body and I couldn't escape. I wept in a way I had never wept before. Every emotion flooded out of me and my body was inconsolable. My leader walked in to ask me something and I unleashed all of those frustrations and emotions on her… "I don't understand this. Why is this happening? How is this fair? It's too overwhelming… it's too big! What can be done?" She reminded me that when dealing with orphan care it is hard. When dealing with orphan care, it hurts. And when dealing with orphan care… we have to look at a smaller picture because if not we will get too overwhelmed and defeated. I cried myself to sleep that night… thinking of the little boy, just down stairs, that had done the same.

The next days became opportunities for intentional words of affirmation. Encouraging friendships, pointing out good qualities, and reminding Zablon of gospel truth. He is not alone (Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."), He has a Father (Psalm 68:5 "A father to the fatherless…"), and that he was loved (John 3:16 "For God so loved the world-- For God so loved ZABLON-- that He gave His only Son; that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life!"). We looked at the stars-- the most beautiful display of stars I have ever seen-- and I reminded him that when he looked at the stars and he was feeling sad, or lonely, to remember that just like we can't even begin to count the thousands of stars in the sky…. that is how it is with God's promises for our life. We cannot even begin to imagine how much He has in store for us and our lives. Again, we prayed and I still had a hard time believing what I was saying. This child had been through more pain and abandonment in his life than I have ever experienced (I found out later that week that he never knew his dad and that his mom had taken Z to Nairobi, dropped him off on the street a couple years before, and left him. Abandoned him. Just walked away…a good samaritan found him, had mercy on him, and took him home. She grew to love him and care for him-- but her children got jealous and began abusing Zablon until a neighbor took him out of that situation). He was hurt over and over again and I couldn't help but feel that next day I would be adding to that rejection. I would be leaving him… would he understand? Would he comprehend why I had to leave? Or would he feel that once again someone had let him down. After I took him to his room, I went back out and prayed. I prayed for answers. I prayed for the Lord to reveal His plan. I urged the Lord to show me what small way to help these millions of orphans as one single woman from Texas-- with a teacher's paycheck.

As I was talking over some things with my leader later that night she mentioned she had just received a new list of the kiddos that needed sponsorship-- and Zablon was on there. "I want him!" I heard myself saying… it was such a beautiful revealing of God saying… "here's how you can help. Start with just one!" That next morning I got to explain that I would be his sponsor. I would pay for him to get to stay there, have food, go to school, have a uniform, and stay healthy. I would get to write him letters, send him pictures, and stay in contact with him from thousands of miles away. I would get to continue to be involved in his life and remind him of how loved he was even though I was leaving." He smiled bigger than I had ever seen him smile on that trip… and it had nothing to do with me. I truly believe the Lord allowed me-- messy, sinful, screwed up me-- to be a reflection of His love for Z. He allowed me to be apart of this beautiful story of redemption. 

I look at these kiddo's pictures daily. I miss them. I love them-- more than I have ever loved anyone. And yet, I can rest easy because I know that God is continuing to spur them on and draw them closer to Him. He is writing their stories and preparing their hearts for great Kingdom work. He doesn't need me… but I am so humbled He has chosen to allow me to be a small part.

Zablon and Stephanie

Z and the boys (and me) being silly.

The day I told Zablon I was going to sponsor him (the last day always looks the roughest bc of all the crying)

My sweet boy

I must decrease so He can increase.

I am not a humble person by nature. I have deep, sinful, pride that seeps out of every part of me. Pride that is jerky. Pride that is hateful. Pride that is sarcastic-- and not a funny, playful sarcasm that I appreciate… sarcasm that is meant to embarrass. I hate this about me. I hate that I get so angry and lose my cool.

I also hate being wrong. I hate having to apologize for my mistakes. It is hard for me to do. This goes back to my pride issue I just talked about. This is my temporal earthly exterior that is fighting with the goodness of the Gospel that has awakened this dead heart. I am in a constant battle between my comfort and my will. I try, earnestly, to portray Jesus in all that I do. I desire to point others to Him with my actions, words, and choices. Yesterday, however, I did not do that.

Anyone that knows me, knows this has been a very difficult year teaching for me. I have had a really hard time enjoying it. It isn't only the kids. A HUGE part of it, I truly believe, is my heart in it. I am a sinful, prideful person that wants my way to be the right way. Yesterday…. I saw that in getting my way, I may hurt others in the process.

Setting: My classroom

I had been monitoring the STAAR test a couple days so I had been out-- we finished all of the weather activities that were planned for the week so at the very end of the day, because it had been raining all day and because my kids had followed directions and been good for the sub, I decided to "graciously" allow them to watch an instructional film over weather. They enjoyed it…. until the end.

Student A: "Miss Dannnnniell…. why didn't we do Flashlight Friday today?"
Me: "Because we ran out of time… watch this film… it's really good!"
Student B (5 minutes later): "Miss Dannnnnniell…. what are we going to do after this?"
Me (pausing the film): "Guys-- there is just a little bit left in this and then we will move on. This is a privilege… pay attention to it, please. I have something we are going to do after this but you need to listen to this first so the activity can be done! Listen!"
:: At this point my blood pressure is beginning to rise. I was GENEROUS enough to allow them to watch this video. My OTHER classes always enjoyed watching this. Why can THEY not sit and be quiet?::
End of the film.
Student B (again): "Miss Dannnnnniell (they always drag out my name-- haha I don't know why)? Why couldn't we go out to recess? I just went to the bathroom and saw 5th grade on the concrete… (and here comes the words that turn Miss Daniell into the raging Hulk…) IT'S NOT FAIR!!"

Well…. let's just say that our class had another (we've had a few) come to Jesus talks. We talked about being respectful. We talked about being thankful. We talked about being ungrateful. I mentioned it wasn't everyone-- but enough to make it seem like everyone. The kids sat. They listened (better than they've ever listened before). And they were silent. I thought-- "Yes-- maybe I got to them. Maybe NOW they will understand." Then-- the climatic part of the story occurred. One of the sweetest children in my class-- who rarely gets in trouble, is always joyful and helpful and smiling-- came up to me. She shyly says, "Miss Daniell? I wish we didn't treat you so disrespectfully." And turned around fast. I didn't hear her at first and said, "What?" She turned back around… lip and voice trembling… and said, "I'm sorry our class isn't better."

This kicked me in the throat. I said, "Baby-- thank you. But you don't need to apologize." She tightly hugged me and began sobbing. I broke. My hard exterior shattered and I began crying. What was I doing? Who had I become? I let my comfort and pride become so inflated that I had caused a child to sob-- for no reason. She hadn't made a bad choice. She hadn't caused pain to another child. She hadn't deserved to be reprimanded. And one of the sweetest girls in my class was broken… because of me. The one who should provide affirmation and encouragement. The one that should provide guidance and wisdom. The one who should provide the feeling of love and safety…. had failed. Big time.

I took her out in the hall and apologized. I reminded her of my love for her. I said I was sorry for hurting her feelings. I hugged her and tried to restore the pain I had caused. After about 5 minutes she calmed down and said she was better. I even ran to catch up with her before she got on the school bus and hugged her again said "Love ya-- have a great weekend!" I called her mom and told her what happened. I apologized to her. I thought-- "you are good, Steph! You have faced your sins and asked for forgiveness." But then as I laid down for bed last night and the events of the day replayed in my head… I again, was broken. I sobbed. I prayed. I was so distraught about what I had done and become this year. And I knew what I had to do. On Monday, before we start our rotations, before we split up into reading groups, before I present the spelling and sight words… I have to apologize. I have to stand before my children and ask for their forgiveness. It sounds silly-- but it has to be done. How can I expect to lead these children the next 6 weeks and pour into them if they are hurt or feel scared? I have to show them what it looks like to humble myself and ask for forgiveness. It may be hard-- I may cry. But it must be done.

I share this with y'all to show that we as teachers, or parents, or friends, or human beings can so easily get wrapped up in our own selves that we can forget about the damage it can have on one another. I hate being wrong. I hate apologizing. But above my happiness and comfort-- I want to be sanctified. I want to be humbled. I want to take up my cross DAILY and love others like Jesus. I don't want to be someone who is hateful and tears others down-- but rather someone who reflects Jesus and builds others up. I will fail many more times… probably even this week. But-- I pray that the Lord continues pressing on my heart and burdening me to become less so that He may become more. I must decrease, so He can increase.

To Those Who Wait.

A few weeks ago, I went to the Linger conference and Bethany Dillon Bernard sang her song "To Those Who Wait".  To say I crumbled is an understatement. I sobbed. I shook. I hyperventilated…. okay, it wasn't that bad but I did have trouble breathing because I had so much emotion coming out and I wanted NO ONE to look at me.

 I have written about waiting a few times on here, but it seems the deeper you get into the waiting process the harder and more painful it can seem. We are a selfish people who live in a society that is about the now and instantaneous satisfaction. If we are hungry-- we go to our kitchen and get food. If we "have nothing to eat" we grab our car keys and drive down the road to Sonic or Whataburger or Subway and grab something there. If there is a car in front of us driving waaaaaay slower than WE believe they should be going, we switch lanes and honk, glare, and speedily pass them (I don't honk-- or glare-- but I do feel frustrated and probably will say something angrily in my car to myself). Or we stand behind the sweet old lady that has a dang coupon for every.single.item. in her cart at the grocery store. We roll our eyes and sigh a little louder than normal and either switch check outs… or, like I recently did, wait and when I got up to the front the check out girl apologized and thanked me for waiting and I "humbly" smiled and said "it was no problem."

But that was a lie. It was a problem. I felt inconvenienced. I felt slowed down. I felt like someone who-- if I was honest and truthful-- was not as important as me… got in my way. We all have been in these situations. We have all felt bothered or irritated, and we look at that sin of anger and excuse it. But what about when we get angry about bigger things? What about when I feel jealous about my friends who all seem to be in relationships or are getting married or who are falling in love or having babies? What about the pain of loneliness that creeps up out of no where and reminds me of my singleness as a 29 year old? What about my ridiculousness in the fact that I feel cheated when someone else gets married or engaged and I don't? We don't talk about these sins or feelings… but they are true and real and harmful.

The Lord has been really sweet to me and has allowed this year that I kinda dreaded (my last year in my twenties) to be really good. It hasn't all been easy but it has been good. I have tried to fix my eyes on Him and choose joy! I haven't felt alone or sad or left out. I have felt content and loved and encouraged and saturated with grace upon grace. But it isn't always like that. Today in my study of Lamentations I was reminded of what it says in chapter 3 verse 21. The first part of chapter three the author is talking about the affliction and hard times he has faced. But he says in 21, "But this I call to mind…". He doesn't say "this is what I believe…or think or wish..", he says, "But this I call to mind." He is reminded of something. He knows truth and it gives him hope. Then in verses 22-23 it continues, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to end; they are new every morning; GREAT in Your faithfulness."

Hard times are going to come. They are going to hit you down and try and destroy you. BUT… we can stand against the lies and combat them with truth by saying, "This I call to mind… the steadfast love of the Lord NEVER CEASES!! His mercies NEVER COME TO END!! They are NEW EVERY MORNING! GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS!!" May this be the posture of our hearts (me included because I definitely do not have this down). May this be our first defense… to run to the scripture that is God breathed and to our Father who is always with us! And may this allow us to see Him as good and for us and sovereign over us!

As the Bethany Dillon song says, "I am waiting on You… You say You're good to those who wait."

To listen to this great song-- click on this link!! It will bless you immensely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFf-WaFJRTI 

What is Christmas really about?

Christmas time is in full swing. There are lights magically strung everywhere you look. Christmas tunes on every radio station. And loooong lines at every store you go to. Ready or not, Christmas Eve is in two days. It is a time that is spent with the people you love, eating way too much, and giving/receiving. As the song goes… "It's the most WONDERFUL time of the year."

However, to some people, it is not the most wonderful time of the year. Recent losses of family members or loved ones can make this holiday season seem almost unbearable. Expectations of providing Christmas morning joy to young children to someone who has just lost their job/went through a divorce that left them penniless/ or is a single parent just trying to get by can be overwhelming. The romance and love that surrounds this season can be defeating for a man or woman who has just gotten out of a relationship or longs for that companionship. So to some, it is not the most wonderful time of the year. To some, it is a really difficult time that comes with reminders of failures, hurts, aches and longings that were not fulfilled.

Take heart though, dear friends. This is not how it was intended to be. This is not what we were created for. We were created to worship. And many of us do-- but, we have lost sight on what we were created to worship. We were created to worship a sovereign Father who pours out unconditional love and grace on us. We were created to live in freedom from sin, hurt, pain, and disappointment. But that all changed in the garden. That all changed when we, as humans, pushed away the agape love that was being poured out on us and chose to try and satisfy our dissatisfied hearts. But thankfully, that isn't where the story ends. Our God, being good and kind and loving, didn't leave us in our sins. "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen His glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth."-John 1:14 The Word has a name… and His name is Jesus. So, when it says the Word became flesh-- meaning fully human-- this doesn't mean He became less. It means Jesus willingly allowed Himself to be restrained. He was still fully God but He chose to become fully human as well. He allowed Himself to feel pain, rejection and heartache. He subjected Himself to ridicule, hurt, and even death on a cross. Not because He "had to"… but because He CHOSE to.

So that is why we celebrate Christmas. We celebrate that while we were still sinning Christ chose to remove Himself from the glory of the Father and come down humbly with the intention to love us well, share the Good News and die on our behalf (Romans 5:8). He wasn't born in a palace… He was born in a manager. A humble birth. So sweet friends-- whether I know you personally or you stumbled upon this blog accidentally-- know that we were created for a purpose. We were known and formed by the Creator of the universe. He loves you so much and has plans to help you and not to harm you…. plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). So rest in Him. Turn to Him. Worship Him. He loves you dearly and longs to answer your prayers. They might not be answered in the way you expected, but they will be answered in the way that is needed. So during this holiday season-- even though the lights and music and family time is fun-- remember what it is really about. Take time to sit and think on why we celebrate. We celebrate because our eternity was in need of a Savior… a Savior to take the place of us on a cross and absorb all of the wrath that was intended for us. A Savior that loved me and you so much that He WILLINGLY took our place. That is something to truly CELEBRATE during this season.

You are loved and prayed for. If you have any questions or specific prayer requests, that I can intercede on your behalf about, please comment or email and let me know. Merry Christmas sweet friends… remember, you are important and precious and cared for by a good, good Father.

Why I am stepping away from social media.

I live alone (I can hear my mother now… "don't tell the world that, Stephanie"). But I do. I am a 29 year old woman who works and has a crazy busy life and am never home except to eat a quick bite of dinner and sleep. I mean I do more than that sometimes… today I cleaned and did laundry and even caught up on some shows I was behind on…. while grading spelling tests…. I'm crazy, I know.

I really enjoy living alone. I had a wonderful roommate for four years. But here's the thing about marriage… when someone gets married, they don't want to live with you anymore. It happens and is totally understandable. So now, I can eat 5 nights of salad or chicken or string cheese/yogurt/apples (I'm a poor teacher who gets paid at the end of every month and was waiting for pay day people-- don't judge) and not worry about what someone else wants to eat. I can fold my laundry on the couch and leave it there over night and not have to put it away until after work the next night. I can watch whatever I want on TV and not feel the need to share the remote. It's glorious during this season. I love it actually.

However, sometimes, it can be super lonely. No one to talk to. No one to sit and share stories with. No one to catch up on current events with (Amanda Bynes… what are you doing??). So I have a confession to make… I have developed a really unhealthy relationship. I would even go as far as saying that I have become a bit obsessed with this relationship. This relationship is pretty one sided. I run to it to fill the time, silence or boredom. I lose sleep over it. I can stay awake an hour later than I had planned simply because I "need" some interaction in my life. The name of the relationship I am involved with is Social Media. Social Media keeps me up to date with what is going on. Social Media allows me to feel apart of people's lives when I am feeling lonely. Social Media is a reeeeeally simple way to waste hours of my life and pass over more important things that I should be doing instead.

So, while others are doing their 30 Days of Thankfulness (I am not making fun… I do it every year), I will be fasting from social media. No Facebook. No Instagram. No Myspace and Xanga (haha kidding… just seeing if you were paying attention). Some of you may ask, "why are you doing this? what is the purpose? what do you plan to get out of it?" I am so glad you asked… here is what I came up with:

1) Less Digital… More Spiritual

Every morning…. EVERY MORNING… after my alarm goes off, I will lay in bed and check my Facebook and Instagram. Who wrote me? Who liked my pictures? What were normal people (aka not teachers) doing after 10pm on a school night? I want this to change. I want my first thought in the morning not to be, "what is going on in the digital world?" but rather, "what can I do for the Kingdom today?" If my first initial thought in the morning isn't about the Lord and spending time with Him, then I am definitely placing my hopes, desires, and attention in an idol. (Cue Jimmy Needham's song Clear the Stage).

2) Less Negativity

I try to be a person on Facebook who encourages, challenges and speaks about Jesus's love for us in a way that reflects Him well. But everyone doesn't feel that way. There is a lot of discouraging things on Facebook and Insta that can be weighty on your life. Angry posts about teachers. Rude comments about friends. Dumb opinions about things that people aren't that knowledgeable about in the first place. I may not pay attention to it… but it takes a toll. And I would rather be filled with Gospel truths rather than Gossip half-truths.

3) Looking Up 

How many times have I been so enamored by the fact that someone commented on my Facebook status that I didn't pay attention to the person I was having a "conversation" with? I don't think twice about pulling out my phone at dinner and zoning out of real life conversations that are going on around me. Yesterday, I realized I was at a table after school with a work friend and that I was staring at my phone rather than talking to her. How incredibly rude and selfish is that? I don't want to be that person. It's time for me to stop looking at my screen and start looking up. I want to see the good and be intentional with people. How can I do that when I am watching the latest video of Ellen's interns at a haunted house instead of having an intentional conversation? My word I want to focus on this year is serve. How can I serve others well when I am not taking the time to look up and see what they are going through? How can I be a clear reflection of Jesus in their times of hurt or need or even joy, when my head is in a permanent state of being down? I can't… and I won't be effective.

4) Be Love.

I have a lot of friends that are going through some really difficult situations. I am going though a lot of junk of my own that needs to be placed at the feet of Jesus. It is really easy for me to get distracted. Like, really easy. It is 100x worse when I have a phone blowing up with Insta and Facebook likes and comments. I desire to be an encourager. I desire to love the people the Lord has placed in my life well. I desire to be on my face interceding on their behalf, sending them letters and and spending time praying for the people in my life that don't know Jesus. This time away from social media distraction, I hope, will deepen my love for my friends and family and my yearning to be a prayer warrior for them.

5) Jesus.

And last but not least… it all comes down to Jesus. If I care more about what is going on in the world… or even my little social media world… more than what is going on in my heart, I have an issue. Yes, sometimes I am super lonely. Yes, sometimes I am looking for acceptance and affirmation in things/people rather than Jesus. So this will be a great time to remind me of who I am and whose I am.

So yeah, I started a few days late, but I am saying "see you later" to social media. Completely expecting to have some sweet time with Jesus and be reminded of who my worth and satisfaction truly comes from. It isn't people-- it is Jesus. 

Our Sin and God's Grace

"If we see our sin as small then we will never see God's grace as big!"

(Preface: I am so thankful for a pastor and church that challenges and spurs me on. I wanted to share what I have been learning lately and what the Lord has used, through Rodney and others, to encourage my heart and revive my senses to be more aware. Hoping this will encourage your hearts as well!)

Coming back from a mission trip is a sobering reality. I leave every summer, from a country full of wealth and prosperity, to go be submerged into a country full of hurt and poverty. My heart is broken/cut a little deeper every time I go. But the crazy thing is, that even in a country plagued by sickness, poverty, war and hurt… there is freedom. They get it. They see their sins for what they are and SPRINT from them to Jesus. They repent and worship like I have never, even on my best days, have worshipped before. We can blame the "distractions" of America. Wifi, TV/movies, iPhones, Facebook/Instagram/Twitter, Netflix, etc…. but those aren't the real issues. 

"The human heart is an idol factory that takes good things like a successful career, love, material possessions, even family, and turns them into ultimate things. Our hearts deify them as the center of our lives, because, we think, they can give us significance and security, safety and fulfillment, if we attain them." -Tim Keller

I am not saying there isn't sin in Africa. I am not saying that they are more Godly or advanced than we are. But I truly believe that we as a nation have become stagnate. We, and I am the worst offender, are so quick to see the sins of others before noticing the sins consuming our own hearts. That is one of the scariest and more dangerous things I could do. We will never see and consider God's grace if we don't see and consider our sin. Because regardless of how far our sin goes, God's grace goes farther. Apart from grace there is no sin that is out of reach. How encouraging is that?

He is faithful and for us. His Gospel is filled with ways to seek first the Kingdom and align our hearts with His. It's not teaching us that the worst of us are capable of the worst sins but that the best of us are capable of the worst sins. We are all sinners. We all fall short. We all miss the mark. We all are imperfect creations created by a perfect Creator. I am so thankful that the Lord loves me, and you, so deeply that He doesn't leave us in our sins. Yes, it can be overwhelming and yes, it can be humbling. But, before the Gospel satisfies us, it will always sober us. 

So think on this question my pastor asked the congregation yesterday. He said, "Who is the worst sinner you know?" Who is the one that when you think of sinning is like waaaay up there? It's easy to think of people who have that outward, offensive sin. That sin that everyone knows about and that is obviously wrong. However, I should be the worst sinner I know. I know the deepest parts of my heart that are consumed with lust, bitterness, hatred and envy. I know the thoughts I have when someone "offends" me and makes me feel like nothing. I know the things I say about that rude person that was a jerk to me in front of a group of people. 

Adolf Eichmann was a German Nazi who was one of the major organizers of the Holocaust and was responsible for creating and managing extermination camps, during WWII, in Eastern Europe.  When captured and put on trial years later, a Jewish Holocaust survivor, Yehiel De-Nur was brought in to testify against Eichmann in trial. While on the bench, after having to walk past and face Eichmann again, De-Nur fainted on the stand. When 60 minutes interviewed De-Nur years later they asked, "What happened up there? Why did you faint?" De-Nur's response gives me chills and humbles me to the core. This man, who faced horrible, terrifying situations and circumstances replied, "Was I overcome with hatred? Fear? Horrid memories? No; it was none of those. Rather, I realized that Eichmann was not a god-like army officer who had sent so many to their death. This Eichmann was an ordinary man. I was afraid about myself. I saw that I am capable to do this. I am... exactly like he."

::Lord, let me never lose sight of how huge my sin is. Let me not get so caught up on 'what have I done?' rather than 'what am I capable of doing?'. When I focus on my sin and how big it is, remind me of how much BIGGER Your grace is. Jesus… remove the things in my life that I have made into idols. Sift out the distractions and replacements I have used to find satisfaction. Allow my heart to be broken daily by Your goodness and grace towards me. And let me be a clear reflection of repentance… not so I can be praised or look good… but so that YOUR name can be made famous. Beloved… I do not deserve this but I am so thankful for Your blood that covers and saturates me. Use me as Your hands and feet, Lord… and forgive me when I fail You.::

I choose LIFE.

“People from my first home say I'm brave. They tell me I'm strong. They pat me on the back and say, 'Way to go. Good job.' But the truth is, I am not really very brave; I am not really very strong; and I am not doing anything spectacular. I am simply doing what God has called me to do as a person who follows Him. He said to feed His sheep and He said to care for 'the least of these,' so that's what I'm doing, with the help of a lot people who make it possible and in the company of those who make my life worth living.” 

I left 3 1/2 weeks ago for my third trip to the place that has stolen my heart. This week back has been a really different transition period. Every year I have come back I have reacted the same. I am withdrawn. My heart is sad and lonely. Everything in me yearns to be back in the beautiful country that holds onto my heart. My heart longs to be surrounded by this beautiful people group and their beautiful language! I physically hurt from the pain of being away from them! But I will rejoice in my time there and meditate on the blessings the Lord has given me. 

I miss the greenness of everything. I miss the view at the top of the hill by the school overlooking the compound, gardens and lake in the background. I miss the sunrises and sunsets. I miss the beauty of our God like I have never experienced anywhere else on Earth. I miss the voices that fill the compound with praise to our good Father.

I miss the school. Those children love learning. They respect their teachers. They notice that schooling and learning is a privilege and they soak every minute of it up. Teaching and working with the teachers at this school every summer reminds me why I became a teacher. It rejuvenates me. It makes me a better teacher and excites me to get back to America and love my kiddos well.

I miss the older kids…. the "seniors". I miss having deep conversations about the Lord with them. I miss sitting and listening to all they have endured in their short lives and being humbled by their redemption that can only come from Jesus. I miss how the Lord uses them. I miss watching how they serve the other children so well. They love them. They encourage them. They discipline them… but then hug and care for them. My heart is destroyed and completely leveled after convos with them. But our sweet Savior reminds me to intercede on their behalf. To be burdened to write and encourage them. He reminds me "with much you have been given… use that to love others."

I miss the precious kids who I taught in school. The ones who are at the age that they are needing/wanting to hang out. They are fine just sitting, playing with my "goggles" (glasses) and taking 1-2 THOUSAND pictures on my phone and/or camera. They are curious. They are interested. But most of all… they are yearning for hugs, love and feelings of being cared for.

I miss my sweet babies. The under 5 crowd. The ones that like to crawl up into my lap, hold my face and intensely stare at my blue eyes and then fall asleep on my chest. They are the ones that don't fully understand why we come and have to leave. They are the ones with the wounds that are the freshest and so the fact that we leave them is just like everyone else who has left. I hold them sobbing as we walk through the line and say our goodbyes and tell them how much they are loved. I tell them I will try my hardest to return-- never wanting to promise something that may not happen, but wanting to reassure them that they are cared for and wanted and special. These are the ones that I pray for the most. These are the ones I pray will understand and come to know God's love and sacrifice for them... and the ones that I pray will be rescued and redeemed.

The thing is… my heart has been changed. My heart has been broken. My heart is very aware of the need of Jesus in this world. He has cultivated a love for the nations in me that is unexplainable. He has called me out among the waves. A place that is scary and unknown… but He has called me to go. He has told me to love. He asked, "Who will GO and feed my sheep? Who will go and love my children? Who will go, while trusting me fully, and make my name famous?" And all I can do is cry…"Here I am, Beloved. SEND ME!" I am not perfect… far, far from it actually. I am not equipped on my own. There is nothing inside of me that is Holy and Good… except Jesus. So I will be obedient. I will be humbled and broken daily for the cause of Christ. Because above my comfort, and my safety, and my "plans for my life"… I want Jesus. Fully. Completely. Uninhibited. I want to know and be known wholly by our Savior. I want life… no, I choose life. Abundant life. And the only way I will find that… is in and through Jesus. 

Selah.

"For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."

-Matthew 16:25