Redemption Group Psalm-- "Who You Are."

Brokenness. Hurt. Separation.

These are the consequences of a fallen world.

Lust. Fear. Anger.

These are the lies I see as satisfying or things that make me feel in control.

Shame. Anxiety. Hardened Heart.

These are the results of my sins.



Beloved, I desire, most ardently to follow you wholly.
O God, how my heart burns to be satisfied in you.
I long to be free from insecurities.
I yearn to be out of the bondage of my sins.
"As the deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and
appear before God?" (Psalm 42:1)


You, sweet Jesus, are my hope.
I rest in Your goodness.
I submerge myself in Your love.
So why do I worry?
Why do I fear?
What causes my mind to wander?
What brings about feelings of worthlessness?
These are lies…. and You are truth.
These are meant for my destruction...
And you, Father, are meant for my good.


You are unchangeable.
You don't waver or sway.
You are the cornerstone.
The rock of ages.
The beginning and the end.


El Shaddai--you are the Lord Almighty.
Adonai--You are our Lord and Master.
Jehovah Jireh--You, Lord, will provide.
Jehovah Shalom-- You, Lord, are our peace.


You are my LIFE SUSTAINER. You are my UPLIFTER
You are my PROTECTER, COMFORTER and my REDEEMER.
You are my HEARTACHE HEALER and faithful SHEPHERD.
You are my CREATOR, MAKER and beautiful SAVIOR.
You are the LORD OF LORDS AND KING OF KINGS.
You are the ALPHA AND OMEGA… You reign over everything.
You fill my cup… again and again.
YOU, MIGHTY GOD, ARE THE GREAT I AM!

Easter Pictures

Lent.

Why would a girl, who grew up Baptist, be writing about or participating in Lent? Well, here is my explanation. I became interested in it a few days ago and began thinking about it and researching it. This is what I found:

           "During Lent, many of the faithful commit to fasting or giving up certain types of luxuries as a form of penitence. Lent is traditionally described as lasting for forty days, in commemoration of the forty days which, according to the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke, Jesus spent fasting in the desert before the beginning of his public ministry, where he endured temptation by the Devil. Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent for Roman Catholics and most mainline Reformed and Protestant traditions. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement and self-denial."

So, taking some time to think about it, I decided that I was going to participate. I had my doubts but I think that my decision is based on the heart. You see, Lent is basically the practice of giving up something to focus on Christ; His sacrifice and what He did for us. When it becomes a strict rule, or legalistic, then you have missed the point. It isn't about successfully completing 40 Days without something. It is about giving something up that takes away focus from Jesus.

I do not like being vulnerable or super honest about my struggles and life (pride issues)… but, I am using this blog to share and show what I will be giving up for a few reasons. The first reason is because sin in the darkness cannot receive healing. It must be brought out into the light for restoration and sanctification to occur. Also, we are called to confess our sins. Some sins seem worse than others-- I am sure once I share what I struggle with that many people will think… that isn't THAT bad. But a sin is a sin is a sin… and when anything takes my eyes off of Jesus and onto it… then it is serious. And lastly, because we are called to walk beside others and live life in community. I am unsure about this next 40 Days and will need constant accountability, encouragement and prayer. However, I am sure of and thankful for two things… grace and Jesus. He is better. So if giving something up for Lent wasn't a struggle then I would say that you should probably reconsider your choice in what to give up. Because, what I see Lent as, is when we give something up…. because we want more of Jesus and see Him as being more satisfying.

So…. after much deliberation, I have decided to give up sweets (desserts/snacks) for Lent. My reasoning? No, it isn't because I want to lose weight. No, it isn't because bathing suit weather is right around the corner. I have chosen this because embarrassingly enough I have noticed that I turn to food (especially sweets) when times get tough. I listen to the lies of the enemy and run to eat my feelings instead of dealing with them and laying them before the Father. So when I hear, "You aren't good enough.", "No one will love you!", "You have nothing and will be alone forever… you might as well eat."… I will go before my Beloved and receive the truths He has promised!! It will be hard. I will want to cheat. I may even fail… but I think this is a beautiful picture of how our relationship with the Lord is. We may fail… but there is grace. We may turn to things other than our Father in times of struggle and weakness… but there is forgiveness. Some of you may feel charged to join me in this season of Lent and refocus your eyes on Jesus. Some of you may not feel that this is the time for that or that it doesn't need to be in that time setting. All of that is great… because above achieving a successful Lent, tearing away from destructive addictive behavior and looking "good and put together"… having Jesus is more important. So fast for a week… fast for a day… fast for the next hour…. but see Jesus as good and precious and BETTER!! That is what we are called to do!

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You." -Psalm 63:3

Reflecting on 2013

So, a year ago, I wrote a post about the new year. I wrote about what I wanted to accomplish in 2013. I had so many dreams and wants and desires. Some got resolved or done…. some did not. I actually didn't even remember what I had said I wanted to do until I looked at my blog recently. So this year I am going to try and stick to my word and resolutions. Not for others-- but for me. I can be both super hard on myself and really forgiving (like too forgiving). I want to hold myself to a higher standard…. believe in myself and push myself to do good! So this post is going to revisit my 2013 resolutions and show what was done and what I didn't accomplish. So, here we go…

2013 Resolutions:

-Memorize and know scripture--I did not do well with this in twenty-thirteen.

 I want to push myself to do better this year and truly hide the gospel in my heart.

-Achieve goal weight-- Nope… haha that's all I am going to say about

that. Working towards getting healthy in 2014.

-Run a 5K without stopping/Become a runner--I didn't run a 5K without stopping, however, I did 

learn to enjoy running more. So, hopefully I will become a better runner and

finish that 5K this year.

-Begin learning a new language-- Thanks to an app called DuoLingo (this is an awesome app)

I began learning Spanish again. I also got an app to teach me more Swahili.

-Travel back to Kenya--Did it. Changed my life. Have already signed up to go back in 2014.

-Be a mentor to someone--Loved on and encouraged lots of young girls but no one specific.

-Perform a kind deed to 28 people (years of how old I will be) without expecting anything in return-- Don't 

know how many acts of kindness I did over the year… but I can always do more! :)

-Write a letter to my friends that mean the most to me and let them know-- I am doing this today!

-Learn to play guitar-- No-- but I would love to!

-Go on a road trip-- Yes… my rooms and I took a trip before school started this year.

-Allow myself to be vulnerable-- Yes… it was not in the way I expected, but I did allow

my heart to be opened and for people to make their way in.

-Go skiing-- Unfortunately, no.

-Read 10 books by October--or more-- (at least one a month)-- I didn't get to 10. 

-Go stay at a hotel by myself and just "get away" from life for a night.-- This is one I really wanted to

do but didn't get to. I WILL be doing this in my next year.

-Help someone in need.-- This is cool to see because I was able to do this for one of my student's

families this Christmas. I was able to get presents, clothes and food for them.

Probably one of the most amazing feelings in the world bc I could feel them seeing Jesus.

-Do something crazy and out of character-- Moved out by myself. That is huge… and so

far it has been great.

-Encourage staff at my school weekly-- I dropped the ball on this being done weekly. However, I did

get to encourage people that needed it. I want to do better at this, this next semester. 

-Make a difference-- This is like the acts of kindness. I think I am making a difference (so many

people in Midlothian are developing a heart for Africa)… but I can never do this perfectly.

I can always do more.

-Go to a casino-- Yes… the rooms and I went to Choctaw in Durant, Ok and stayed at the

hotel overnight, laid out at the pool and played on the slots 

and it was such a fun, relaxing time.

-Buy an expensive perfume for myself-- Nope… still cheap.

-Go on a non-budget shopping spree-- I tried…. but I still caught myself being worried. But I did buy

things that I wouldn't normally have let myself splurge on.

-Play in the rain-- Unintentionally. haha

-Learn to play chess-- Negative.

-Go out dancing with my friends-- I got to dance with friends…. but we were at a wedding.

And honestly it was more fun and not uncomfortable at times or too crowded. :)

-Keep a jar and fill it with notes of good things that happen throughout the year and read them on NYE-- I didn't do this… I need to this year though!

So these were my resolutions. As you can see I did some great things… but I slacked on some others. Instead of looking back with regret I will look at the good and move forward. Big things… I experienced Jesus in amazing ways, I was blessed enough to go back to Africa, I made memories, learned from mistakes and will continue to grow. So as far as I am concerned, 2013 was a good year. Here is looking at 2014…. may you bring even more growth, memories and beautiful life lessons. May you be filled with love, excitement and joy. Happy New Year everyone!!

He will supply every need.

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." 

-Philippians 4:19

My God will supply my EVERY need. He will do this according to His riches in Christ Jesus. We can be fully assured of this. He has crafted and formed us. Does the Creator not know every detail about His creation? He designed us. He knows and understands the longings we have and yearn for. He set these in us. Not to be spiteful, but to point us back to Him.

So many times desires arise in me that I believe are selfish and not biblical, so instead of taking them humbly before the throne, I push them aside, bury them and deny having these feelings. We are told, in Hebrews 4:16, "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." That means in all situations. 

So why don't I do this? Why do I feel I can handle situations better than Jesus. Well, first and foremost, it could be because I am the worst sinner I know. I lie. I steal. I cheat. I covet. I lust. I hate. I break every one of the commandments. But thankfully, God's grace is so beautifully poured over me daily that I can remind myself that I am saved and forgiven. Another reason, is that I believe the whispers of Satan more than the whispers of Jesus sometimes. It breaks my heart to say that… but I do. I am a broken woman living in a broken world. So when I hear Jesus say, "Stephanie… be still. Wait and be patient." and I hear Satan say, "If you wait too long he may move on. Go ahead… text him. He loves Jesus… so this isn't bad." I am not following my shepherd. I can hear you now… "uhhh, but Stephanie, texting isn't bad." And you're right… it isn't. It isn't unless you have been told not to and you do it anyways. Texting alone is not a sin (however, I do believe it has completely altered conversation in the world today and given men--and women-- the ability to not know how to communicate and have relationships… but that is a different blog on a different day) but it is an example in my life. The act of texting is fine if done rightly… but when I run to a man to make me feel accepted, loved, worthy and attractive I am replacing Jesus for that man and that is when it becomes wrong. That is when I have made a man into an idol.

So today I am going to be meditating on Philippians 4:19. I will be speaking truth to myself and remembering that MY GOD will supply every need of mine. That He loves to align my heart up with His desires. He also welcomes me up to His lap to sit and cry out to Him. No request, hurt or desire is off limits. He sees me as His daughter and He wants me to run to Him in all things. There is nothing I can say or do that will shock or surprise Him. There is also nothing I can do that will cause Him to banish me or love me less. He loves me unceasingly. Nothing can change or alter that. What are you withholding from our Savior today? Whatever it is… don't you think it's time to take it to Him? Let Him comfort and help you. He is good… when there is NOTHING good in us!

Refinement.

I am really good at showing a strong, put together, unfrazzled face. I have perfected the way it looks to be on top of the game, get through things and do so while looking as if it were easy, attainable and not difficult. However, that's a lie. I am such a screw up... I sin (often and daily), I am self-righteous (meaning I am VERY aware of other's sins--especially those who sin against me-- but have blinders on when it comes to observing my own sin), I am self-reliant (I seldom go humbly before the Lord and lay at His feet begging for grace, help or love... I get in my routine and zip through quiet times and rarely sit uninterrupted and still before my Beloved), I am a people pleaser to the core (I want people to like me... whether that is think I am attractive, funny, intelligent, athletic or even Godly-- yes spiritual things can become tainted as well) and above all else I am busy.

Now I know what you're thinking.... busy? Stephanie... that's not a sin. It wasn't on the Ten Commandments. Uhhh check that again. What does number one say?

It says, "YOU SHALL HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME".  I can hear you now... "right Stephanie. I don't have other Gods in my life." I believe in Jesus and go to church. I serve and pray to Him. I don't believe in Allah or Mohammed or a golden statue. Yes, but do you spend large amounts of time in front of the mirror or at the gym? Then you are serving a god, which is approval of man. Do you turn to food instead of seeking Jesus in difficult times? Then you are serving the god of glutton. Do you work non-stop to get to that next level, to get that position, to get a bigger raise or to get recognition? Do you see a pattern here? When we were told to have "no other Gods".... that meant man made things included. Some of these things are good/needed things. I am not saying you should not shower or take care of your body so you don't develop an idol of approval. I am not saying you should not eat and quit your job to make sure you stay right with the Lord. I am just saying we have to be very careful with what we place our worth, time and energy in.

Jimmy Needham has a song out right now that I love. The bridge says, "Anything I put, before my God, is an IDOL. Anything I want, with all my heart, is an IDOL. Anything I can't stop thinking of is an IDOL. Anything I give, all my love, is an IDOL."

My prayer in this entry is not to condemn, judge or make you feel bad. My charge in this word is to edify, encourage, spur on, sanctify and refine. Refinement is a hard process. It's just like when you find a diamond. It starts out as a piece of coal. It has to go through enormous amounts of pressure and uncomfortable circumstances for it to become something so beautiful.

My youth girls and I are in the process of memorizing James 1:2-4 which says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may become mature and complete, not lacking anything."

 This is the same thing... we need to consider it pure joy when we go through trials-- or times of sanctification and refinement-- because it is developing perseverance in us. This doesn't mean we have to be happy (happy and joyful are two different things) but it does mean we should count it has joy that the Lord is taking the time to take something dirty and ugly and worthless (a piece of coal) and fashioning it into something beautiful and timeless (a diamond). So I will rejoice in these trials and let the Lord sift these "gods" out of my life to allow a deeper relationship with Him.

Check out Jimmy's song that I mention earlier called "Clear the Stage"... you will be blessed by this man and His Gospel filled lyrics.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6smGew7dGto

Proverbs 22:6

There are many things I am passionate about. If you have ever read my blog you know that one of those things is Africa... obviously. haha Another thing is camp ministry... I worked as a summer staffer at a camp from 16-22 years old. Half of that time was at Camp Copass in Denton and the other part was at Pine Cove Christian Camps in Tyler. Both allowed me to love on people and share Jesus with them. So that kinda of threw me into this next thing that the Lord has really laid on my heart.... teenage girls. I love pouring into this age. They are so impressionable and so eager to know and learn and grow. When I was in college I would work D-Now's and loved getting to meet new girls, hear their stories and encourage and help lead them. When I moved back to Midlo to student teach I lived at home and went to church with my family. Because there wasn't anyone really my age at my parent's church, I began working with the youth. I taught Sunday school and lead worship on Wednesday nights. I loved it... I was able to hang out with and encourage these girls who were only a few years younger than me, but looked up to me. I eventually started a Junior/Senior bible study and invited these girls over weekly to do life with them. I looooved it. This grew my heart for not only high school girls.... but the ones getting ready to move on to a new season of life.

Flash forward a few years and I am back working with youth. More specifically, Junior/Senior girls. It is just such an incredible blessing. These girls love Jesus and want to know Him more. They want to know what they need to do to experience Him fully and deeply. They long to know His word and breathe it. They see need around them and are in tune with the solution only resulting in Jesus. They yearn to love well and like their Savior. I am blown away by their desire to be captivated wholly by their Beloved.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."    -Proverbs 22:6

::Lord, let me love well. Break my heart for what breaks Yours and in doing so radiate Your goodness in everything I say and do. Allow me to be a vessel that leads others to You. Let my actions and speech be edifying and let my girls know that I love like You... without judgement or stipulations. God... my girls are so important to me. Use me to lead them to Your throne and let me be humbled and sanctified while doing so. ::