I've sat here staring at this blank page, trying to
figure out what to say, for days. I began writing this a week ago, and left it in edit form, until I finally went back and finished it this weekend. Trying to break through the many questions I had... some being, where do I begin? How do I express the heartbreak I feel
inside? If you know me, then you know I have a heart for Africa and the people
groups that make up that beautiful continent. Also, you probably know how every
summer I go to stay at an orphanage in Kenya to live life with 230 of the most
precious children I have ever encountered. Along with loving on the kids, I get
to work hand in hand with the teachers that teach these kiddos at the school on
the compound. The relationships that have formed and the racial reconciliation
that has so beautifully unraveled (only through Jesus) has been so humbling to
be apart of. Every summer I have known where I will go-- without question--
KENYA!
Unfortunately, do to certain restrictions that prevent our leaders from going, our trip was cancelled. Reading the email I felt
like I had the air kicked out of me. For the last 5 years, I have spent weeks
with these babies that not only showed me a clearer picture of Jesus, but also
allowed me to be filled up while I was pouring out. The Lord ALWAYS taught me
something while in Africa. One year He taught me about my fears... and how
staying in my fears will cripple and diminish truths I have learned in my walk
with Him. One year, I learned how to trust when things were scary. I left to go
when things seemed uncertain. I walked away from my parents at the airport who
looked at me as if I was never coming back. And, I was going into a country that didn't share in the same religious freedoms I was born into. It shook me-- HARD. But it also allowed brokenness and
caused reliance on a Father who knows more and goes before me. Most
importantly, every year the Lord has softened a different part of my heart for
adoption. He not only showed me what adoption means to my life... I was chosen,
brought into His family; but He also showed me what the importance of adoption
is (because of my vertical adoption I am being called to horizontally adopt
here on Earth). He cultivated a love for the Fatherless that will filter into
my own family in the future.
This same God that went before me and calmed all
those fears and worries all those years ago, showed up immediately after I read
the email. A peace that was so calming washed over me and I knew that even
though this hurt terribly.... this was for my good! Whether it was for my
protection or those kiddos... He whispered truths of His will to my heart.
Familiar promises like "I am the Alpha and Omega... Beginning and the
End.", "I have plans to help you and not to harm you... to give you
hope and a future.', "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not
on your own understanding...", "Though the mountains be shaken and
the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my
covenant of peace be removed, says the LORD, who has compassion on you.",
and lastly "I am leaving you with a gift-- peace of mind and heart. And
the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or
afraid." All of these truths that were straight out of the Word came
flooding into my heart and mind. I was still upset. I was still sobbing. But I
was sobbing with hands opened, on the floor of my bedroom singing "You
give and take away... blessed be Your name!" I was crying out "You're
a GOOD GOOD Father... it's who You are! And I'm LOVED BY YOU.... it's who I
am!"
The future for us is unknown. Will I ever see these
children again? I'm not sure. Will I ever get to whisper "Nakupenda
Sana" into their ears as I hug and squeeze them? Maybe not. But I have to
remember something... these kids will be okay. Not because I visited them all
those years. Not because I sponsored them. Not because I took time out of my
life to go see and love on them. No... these children will be okay because they
have a Father who loves them deeply, dearly, and fully. He knows the hurt
they've felt. He was with them through the abuse and neglect. He sent His Son
to be crucified as a replacement for their precious lives. These kids are not
going to be okay because some Mzungu showed up back in 2011 and fell in love
with them.... they're going to be okay because they are loved by our Beloved.
The Lord didn't NEED me to accomplish anything at this orphanage or in these
kiddos lives... but I sure am thankful He allowed me to be apart of it!
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