I sit here physically feeling sick to my stomach. We were told that trouble was coming. Trials and war would come before Jesus did. If you grew up in church- and even if you didn't- you heard about this. The end times would be a dark time filled with corruption, turning from Jesus, and rebellion. It's everywhere you look. There is no place free from this brokenness. My friend, who just lost one of her best friends to cancer this week, texted me and told me she just received a call that one of her sixth grade students committed suicide last night. Sixth grade. 12 years old. I open my Facebook and it is flooded with another murder. Riots and anger spew because of hatred that I can't understand. Not because I don't want to, but because growing up, I have honestly never felt the type of oppression and hate directed at me based on the color of my skin. I turn on the TV and watch as a woman who is trying to win an election, to lead our country, is dismissed from crimes she committed. I sit in horror as I stare at the news and hear/see another terrorist attack that has claimed the lives of more innocent people. I listen to friends cry because the marriage they believed in 'once upon a time', ended so tragically. I listen as they shake when speaking about how suddenly they were alone and having to fend for themselves. I weep with the high school girl that opened up about being assaulted by three guys and then faced to go to school and hear people mock her about it. I listen and hold back sobs as a friend, who wants a baby so terribly, has been told there is no hope for her to conceive naturally. Then I read about an actress that brags and laughs off two abortions in the same year and how thankful she was for having someone "fix her mistakes with the same guy". I try and speak truth into the high school girl who just wants to be loved and feel worthy so badly, that she does almost anything to receive that... even give herself to someone who isn't concerned about her self worth. I look inside my heart. The heart that is supposed to know and believe truth. The heart that has had gospel goodness and promises spoken into it for over 20 years. The heart that has accepted Jesus into it... I look at that heart and see the sin and loneliness and hurt from broken expectations and fear of man.
We live in a broken world. A world ravaged by sin. When it says "the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8)... we need to pay attention to that. I feel like I have almost had a nonchalant view of this verse until lately. It is real. The danger is close by. I sometimes have had such an arrogant mindset of "Oh, I go to church and surround myself with believers and have a pretty good quiet time record and live in Texas (aka the Bible Belt)... I'll be okay!" How small minded I am... to think I live safe from harm, temptation, or hurt. We, especially as believers, have to be alert. Brokenness is closing in, and honestly, will be here a lot quicker than we think. We need to be prayerful. We need to be aware. We need to reflect Jesus. I sat this morning for a few hours and wrote out how I was feeling with the way the world is... This is the poem or spoken word I came up with. It isn't perfect or well written at all probably... but, it is how the world is.
Sitting alone, on my couch, it's just me
As I watch another tragedy come through my TV
An attack with a bomb, another man shot
A suicide, abortion, or child bullied and mocked
What will come next?
I'm scared to even ask...
Another person hiding at a church
in SWAT gear and a mask?
The videos give glimpses into worlds we do not know
of terrorist activity and skies filled with smoke
The fear on their faces and brokenhearted cries
Haunt me as I wearily lay my head down at night
Everything is offensive now
"We must be politically correct"
"You can't disagree with how I live
You don't get to disrespect."
"Christians are closed minded...", you repeat in my ear.
"I'm called to love you," I whisper back, "I wish that you would hear."
"I love you wholly, because He loves me, not based on what you say or do.
I love you, because I am called to love, I love you for being YOU."
This world is segregated and getting worse each day... but not by continent or space.
We are pulling away from being unified... based on stereotypes, religion, and race.
"She's white so she is privileged, he's black so he is mad,
they're Muslim so they can't be trusted, they're Mexican and want what they can't have."
It breaks my heart to see the world like this... brothers and sisters in strife.
Getting caught up in ugly disputes, and disregarding the sanctity of life.
Babies are having babies... daddies are no where to be found,
Children grow up looking for love, but no one is around.
So they look for things to satisfy the longing in their lives,
and turn to things like sex and drugs and believe truth in the enemies' lies.
This world is falling apart, and getting worse every day,
but the reason didn't just creep up randomly when things were going astray.
This orchestrator of evil, the Prince of Darkness and Hate,
planned all of this, years ago, before a single piece of fruit was ate.
So this isn't about race-- white verses black-- or even about restrooms or rape cases.
The price for these sins have been previously bought and the payment was a man named, Jesus.
The outcome of this progressive war, it's already been done.
We know the ending of this story... of who comes out Number One.
Our Victor has promised to come back... He will return to us, and then,
All the pain and suffering, for those who know Jesus, will come to an end.
He will defeat this deceiver... and truth will come to light,
The wrath of all that is meant for him will come down with power and might.
So run to our Father, the one who is Good, and formed your perfect frame...
Because, His love for you is the best you can receive and He knows us each by name.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Saturday, June 25, 2016
What Now?
It's just after midnight on June 25th. This was suppose to be the day that I was headed back to the continent that has caused such growth and pull towards the Lord over the last five years. But instead of last minute packing, double checking for passport and info documents, and the exciting/anxious feelings to creep up... I am sitting in bed typing to try and have an outlet for the thoughts zooming through my head.
Since I wrote my last post I have had such sweet words of encouragement and prayers sent my way. Most people know how much I-- and my team-- love the people of Kenya and can somewhat understand what I must be feeling. However, I have got a few "Okay-- so now that this trip is over, where are you going to go now?" or "So-- why don't you use that money and just go to another part of the world this summer?" I know that people mean well-- but A) this wasn't just a trip that can be replaced by other orphans or people in need. These were relationships that have been cultivated and established over the past 5 years. Could I travel to help other orphans in another part of the world? Sure. Would it be beneficial? Yeah-- of course. The Lord can do great things with those who are willing. But going just because a time slot opened up, and to cover the pain of this trip being canceled, would just be like putting a band-aid over a deep cut. It may prevent some of the hurt-- but it still needs to be tended to. I KNOW the Lord is good and even though this doesn't make sense... I know He is God and in control... but I still have to work through the loss and disappointment of it all. Also, B) planning an international mission trip takes a little longer than 3 weeks. haha
So, what now? This has been a whirlwind... on one hand, I feel totally at ease. I have had so many different crazy things happen before or on trips that the Lord brought me through faithfully. So I truly believe, if He said "No." for the trip... there was a reason. He has comforted and gone before me in this and I am so grateful for that. However, on the other hand, I am not sure I have fully comprehended/dealt with the fact I am not going. I think I just kinda "mourned" a bit and got busy with life to avoid the hurt and pain of working through that. One of these days-- maybe tomorrow, maybe weeks from now-- it's going to hit. I just am speaking truth over my heart saying "The Lord isn't bringing this up to be mean or spiteful... but, rather, for sanctification and growth. Everything is not going to go our way. Our timelines are not matched up with the Lord's timeline/will for our lives (Can I get an Amen?)... but that does not mean He doesn't run to tend to the brokenhearted. He is the One who intricately wove the deep yearning towards Africa and specifically towards the children at Fiwagoh in my heart. Does this mean it's a forever thing? Who knows-- the end of this season of my life may be ending-- I don't know. All I can do is stand with hands unclenched, arms high, and heart abandoned and let Him write my story.
You may be saying... "haha Okay Steph-- but you didn't answer our question. Now what?" I will very humbly and boldly say "I have no idea. I don't know if the Lord will all me back to Fiwagoh... or Kenya... or Africa... or even over seas anymore. But I do know that I don't have to worry about it because I am loved and led (and so are those sweet babies I miss so much) by a really good Father."
But now, this is what the Lord says-- He who created you, Jacob, He who formed you, Israel:“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
3 -
-Isaiah 43:1-3
**This morning I woke up to my Timehop telling me that five years ago in 2011, I was headed on my first trip to Africa. It was a sweet reminder of the promises, and gifts, the Lord has given me as His daughter. He has brought me so far. Molded me so carefully and intentionally. Just because I was willing and said, "Send Me!"**
Since I wrote my last post I have had such sweet words of encouragement and prayers sent my way. Most people know how much I-- and my team-- love the people of Kenya and can somewhat understand what I must be feeling. However, I have got a few "Okay-- so now that this trip is over, where are you going to go now?" or "So-- why don't you use that money and just go to another part of the world this summer?" I know that people mean well-- but A) this wasn't just a trip that can be replaced by other orphans or people in need. These were relationships that have been cultivated and established over the past 5 years. Could I travel to help other orphans in another part of the world? Sure. Would it be beneficial? Yeah-- of course. The Lord can do great things with those who are willing. But going just because a time slot opened up, and to cover the pain of this trip being canceled, would just be like putting a band-aid over a deep cut. It may prevent some of the hurt-- but it still needs to be tended to. I KNOW the Lord is good and even though this doesn't make sense... I know He is God and in control... but I still have to work through the loss and disappointment of it all. Also, B) planning an international mission trip takes a little longer than 3 weeks. haha
So, what now? This has been a whirlwind... on one hand, I feel totally at ease. I have had so many different crazy things happen before or on trips that the Lord brought me through faithfully. So I truly believe, if He said "No." for the trip... there was a reason. He has comforted and gone before me in this and I am so grateful for that. However, on the other hand, I am not sure I have fully comprehended/dealt with the fact I am not going. I think I just kinda "mourned" a bit and got busy with life to avoid the hurt and pain of working through that. One of these days-- maybe tomorrow, maybe weeks from now-- it's going to hit. I just am speaking truth over my heart saying "The Lord isn't bringing this up to be mean or spiteful... but, rather, for sanctification and growth. Everything is not going to go our way. Our timelines are not matched up with the Lord's timeline/will for our lives (Can I get an Amen?)... but that does not mean He doesn't run to tend to the brokenhearted. He is the One who intricately wove the deep yearning towards Africa and specifically towards the children at Fiwagoh in my heart. Does this mean it's a forever thing? Who knows-- the end of this season of my life may be ending-- I don't know. All I can do is stand with hands unclenched, arms high, and heart abandoned and let Him write my story.
You may be saying... "haha Okay Steph-- but you didn't answer our question. Now what?" I will very humbly and boldly say "I have no idea. I don't know if the Lord will all me back to Fiwagoh... or Kenya... or Africa... or even over seas anymore. But I do know that I don't have to worry about it because I am loved and led (and so are those sweet babies I miss so much) by a really good Father."
But now, this is what the Lord says-- He who created you, Jacob, He who formed you, Israel:“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
3 -
-Isaiah 43:1-3
**This morning I woke up to my Timehop telling me that five years ago in 2011, I was headed on my first trip to Africa. It was a sweet reminder of the promises, and gifts, the Lord has given me as His daughter. He has brought me so far. Molded me so carefully and intentionally. Just because I was willing and said, "Send Me!"**
What Now?
It's just after midnight on June 25th. This was suppose to be the day that I was headed back to the continent that has caused such growth and pull towards the Lord over the last five years. But instead of last minute packing, double checking for passport and info documents, and the exciting/anxious feelings to creep up... I am sitting in bed typing to try and have an outlet for the thoughts zooming through my head.
Since I wrote my last post I have had such sweet words of encouragement and prayers sent my way. Most people know how much I-- and my team-- love the people of Kenya and can somewhat understand what I must be feeling. However, I have got a few "Okay-- so now that this trip is over, where are you going to go now?" or "So-- why don't you use that money and just go to another part of the world this summer?" I know that people mean well-- but A) this wasn't just a trip that can be replaced by other orphans or people in need. These were relationships that have been cultivated and established over the past 5 years. Could I travel to help other orphans in another part of the world? Sure. Would it be beneficial? Yeah-- of course. The Lord can do great things with those who are willing. But going just because a time slot opened up, and to cover the pain of this trip being canceled, would just be like putting a band-aid over a deep cut. It may prevent some of the hurt-- but it still needs to be tended to. I KNOW the Lord is good and even though this doesn't make sense... I know He is God and in control... but I still have to work through the loss and disappointment of it all. Also, B) planning an international mission trip takes a little longer than 3 weeks. haha
So, what now? This has been a whirlwind... on one hand, I feel totally at ease. I have had so many different crazy things happen before or on trips that the Lord brought me through faithfully. So I truly believe, if He said "No." for the trip... there was a reason. He has comforted and gone before me in this and I am so grateful for that. However, on the other hand, I am not sure I have fully comprehended/dealt with the fact I am not going. I think I just kinda "mourned" a bit and got busy with life to avoid the hurt and pain of working through that. One of these days-- maybe tomorrow, maybe weeks from now-- it's going to hit. I just am speaking truth over my heart saying "The Lord isn't bringing this up to be mean or spiteful... but, rather, for sanctification and growth. Everything is not going to go our way. Our timelines are not matched up with the Lord's timeline/will for our lives (Can I get an Amen?)... but that does not mean He doesn't run to tend to the brokenhearted." He is the One who intricately wove the deep yearning towards Africa and specifically towards the children at Fiwagoh in my heart. Does this mean it's a forever thing? Who knows-- the end of this season of my life may be ending-- I don't know. All I can do is stand with hands unclenched, arms high, and heart abandoned and let Him write my story.
You may be saying... "haha Okay Steph-- but you didn't answer our question. Now what?" I will very humbly and boldly say "I have no idea. I don't know if the Lord will call me back to Fiwagoh... or Kenya... or Africa... or even over seas anymore. But I do know that I don't have to worry about it because I am loved and led (and so are those sweet babies I miss so much) by a really good Father."
But now, this is what the Lord says-- He who created you, Jacob, He who formed you, Israel:“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
3 -
-Isaiah 43:1-3
**This morning I woke up to my Timehop telling me that five years ago in 2011, I was headed on my first trip to Africa. It was a sweet reminder of the promises, and gifts, the Lord has given me as His daughter. He has brought me so far. Molded me so carefully and intentionally. Just because I was willing and said, "Send Me!"**
Since I wrote my last post I have had such sweet words of encouragement and prayers sent my way. Most people know how much I-- and my team-- love the people of Kenya and can somewhat understand what I must be feeling. However, I have got a few "Okay-- so now that this trip is over, where are you going to go now?" or "So-- why don't you use that money and just go to another part of the world this summer?" I know that people mean well-- but A) this wasn't just a trip that can be replaced by other orphans or people in need. These were relationships that have been cultivated and established over the past 5 years. Could I travel to help other orphans in another part of the world? Sure. Would it be beneficial? Yeah-- of course. The Lord can do great things with those who are willing. But going just because a time slot opened up, and to cover the pain of this trip being canceled, would just be like putting a band-aid over a deep cut. It may prevent some of the hurt-- but it still needs to be tended to. I KNOW the Lord is good and even though this doesn't make sense... I know He is God and in control... but I still have to work through the loss and disappointment of it all. Also, B) planning an international mission trip takes a little longer than 3 weeks. haha
So, what now? This has been a whirlwind... on one hand, I feel totally at ease. I have had so many different crazy things happen before or on trips that the Lord brought me through faithfully. So I truly believe, if He said "No." for the trip... there was a reason. He has comforted and gone before me in this and I am so grateful for that. However, on the other hand, I am not sure I have fully comprehended/dealt with the fact I am not going. I think I just kinda "mourned" a bit and got busy with life to avoid the hurt and pain of working through that. One of these days-- maybe tomorrow, maybe weeks from now-- it's going to hit. I just am speaking truth over my heart saying "The Lord isn't bringing this up to be mean or spiteful... but, rather, for sanctification and growth. Everything is not going to go our way. Our timelines are not matched up with the Lord's timeline/will for our lives (Can I get an Amen?)... but that does not mean He doesn't run to tend to the brokenhearted." He is the One who intricately wove the deep yearning towards Africa and specifically towards the children at Fiwagoh in my heart. Does this mean it's a forever thing? Who knows-- the end of this season of my life may be ending-- I don't know. All I can do is stand with hands unclenched, arms high, and heart abandoned and let Him write my story.
You may be saying... "haha Okay Steph-- but you didn't answer our question. Now what?" I will very humbly and boldly say "I have no idea. I don't know if the Lord will call me back to Fiwagoh... or Kenya... or Africa... or even over seas anymore. But I do know that I don't have to worry about it because I am loved and led (and so are those sweet babies I miss so much) by a really good Father."
But now, this is what the Lord says-- He who created you, Jacob, He who formed you, Israel:“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
3 -
-Isaiah 43:1-3
**This morning I woke up to my Timehop telling me that five years ago in 2011, I was headed on my first trip to Africa. It was a sweet reminder of the promises, and gifts, the Lord has given me as His daughter. He has brought me so far. Molded me so carefully and intentionally. Just because I was willing and said, "Send Me!"**
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
When God closes an Africa shaped door...
I've sat here staring at this blank page, trying to
figure out what to say, for days. I began writing this a week ago, and left it in edit form, until I finally went back and finished it this weekend. Trying to break through the many questions I had... some being, where do I begin? How do I express the heartbreak I feel
inside? If you know me, then you know I have a heart for Africa and the people
groups that make up that beautiful continent. Also, you probably know how every
summer I go to stay at an orphanage in Kenya to live life with 230 of the most
precious children I have ever encountered. Along with loving on the kids, I get
to work hand in hand with the teachers that teach these kiddos at the school on
the compound. The relationships that have formed and the racial reconciliation
that has so beautifully unraveled (only through Jesus) has been so humbling to
be apart of. Every summer I have known where I will go-- without question--
KENYA!
Unfortunately, do to certain restrictions that prevent our leaders from going, our trip was cancelled. Reading the email I felt
like I had the air kicked out of me. For the last 5 years, I have spent weeks
with these babies that not only showed me a clearer picture of Jesus, but also
allowed me to be filled up while I was pouring out. The Lord ALWAYS taught me
something while in Africa. One year He taught me about my fears... and how
staying in my fears will cripple and diminish truths I have learned in my walk
with Him. One year, I learned how to trust when things were scary. I left to go
when things seemed uncertain. I walked away from my parents at the airport who
looked at me as if I was never coming back. And, I was going into a country that didn't share in the same religious freedoms I was born into. It shook me-- HARD. But it also allowed brokenness and
caused reliance on a Father who knows more and goes before me. Most
importantly, every year the Lord has softened a different part of my heart for
adoption. He not only showed me what adoption means to my life... I was chosen,
brought into His family; but He also showed me what the importance of adoption
is (because of my vertical adoption I am being called to horizontally adopt
here on Earth). He cultivated a love for the Fatherless that will filter into
my own family in the future.
This same God that went before me and calmed all
those fears and worries all those years ago, showed up immediately after I read
the email. A peace that was so calming washed over me and I knew that even
though this hurt terribly.... this was for my good! Whether it was for my
protection or those kiddos... He whispered truths of His will to my heart.
Familiar promises like "I am the Alpha and Omega... Beginning and the
End.", "I have plans to help you and not to harm you... to give you
hope and a future.', "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not
on your own understanding...", "Though the mountains be shaken and
the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my
covenant of peace be removed, says the LORD, who has compassion on you.",
and lastly "I am leaving you with a gift-- peace of mind and heart. And
the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or
afraid." All of these truths that were straight out of the Word came
flooding into my heart and mind. I was still upset. I was still sobbing. But I
was sobbing with hands opened, on the floor of my bedroom singing "You
give and take away... blessed be Your name!" I was crying out "You're
a GOOD GOOD Father... it's who You are! And I'm LOVED BY YOU.... it's who I
am!"
The future for us is unknown. Will I ever see these
children again? I'm not sure. Will I ever get to whisper "Nakupenda
Sana" into their ears as I hug and squeeze them? Maybe not. But I have to
remember something... these kids will be okay. Not because I visited them all
those years. Not because I sponsored them. Not because I took time out of my
life to go see and love on them. No... these children will be okay because they
have a Father who loves them deeply, dearly, and fully. He knows the hurt
they've felt. He was with them through the abuse and neglect. He sent His Son
to be crucified as a replacement for their precious lives. These kids are not
going to be okay because some Mzungu showed up back in 2011 and fell in love
with them.... they're going to be okay because they are loved by our Beloved.
The Lord didn't NEED me to accomplish anything at this orphanage or in these
kiddos lives... but I sure am thankful He allowed me to be apart of it!
Sunday, May 8, 2016
The Categories of Motherhood
Mother's Day. A day when we celebrate the women who have sacrificed so much for their little ones. When we praise the ones who care for and deeply loved us when we didn't know how to love and care for ourselves. It's a beautiful day. It's an important day. It's a day that is deserved. But for many women out there... it's a day that hurts.
It's a day that reminds them of the child that was lost. Whether that child took a breath outside of the womb or didn't... it was a life gone too soon. A life that was called home earlier than we could understand. A life that was considered a life from the moment they were conceived. A life that was now made whole and beautiful and complete in the arms of our Savior... in the midst of sadness and weeping and brokenness down here on Earth.
It reminds them of the child they will never have. That for some reason or another their bodies can't make or hold a child. That for some reason, something just wasn't working the way it was suppose to. Some have struggled with it was months or even years. Many sweet women in my life have allowed me to walk through this hard circumstance with them. Interceding on their behalf. Crying out to the Lord in confusion and sometimes anger. Pleading with the Lord to remove that barrier and allow those ladies to become mommies. All of those prayers have been answered... unfortunately, some of the answers have been "no".
It's a day that--even though filled with good things-- can feel like a constant reminder of the desires of their hearts that are not being answered. To the "mommy want to be's" who simply are not in that place of life. The women that have a strong yearning to be a mother. To nurture, care for, love, give selflessly, and feel their heart outside their chest. It's to the women who try to be joyful in those extreme times of loneliness. Desiring a husband and child and sit and watch all of their friends pass them by. It's the women who have to choke back tears as their friends scream "we're pregnant with our THIRD baby" while they are weeping to the Lord silently "Jesus... Gosh, Lord. I just really want this. Your will be done, however, Lord!" The women who are reminded (probably not intentionally malicious) that their "clocks are ticking away" or asked "do you not WANT a baby?". Questions that sting and can easily cause doubt and lies to creep into their minds. It's a day that seems like another year of disappointment.
However, and more importantly, it's also a day of promises. It's a day that tells us that we are called to love others well. That we are called to care for people in a way that allows them to see a Father. A Good Father. One who provides and loves even when it is hard to see... we are called to radiate that. Whether that is to a child, a student, a teenager, a peer, an orphan, or your own parent.... the Lord has entrusted His sheep to His disciples.
I am not a mother. I get called it about 15 times a day by my students, but I do not have a child of my own. I have never given birth or adopted (yet). But, I have been called to love others. I have been called to encourage others. I have been called to uplift, affirm, come along side of, pick up, and speak truth into others. And I don't know about you other ladies... but that sure sounds like the qualities of a mother to me.
So know I spent some time praying for all the different categories of women: the ones who have lost, the ones who have, the ones who will never have, and the ones who don't have yet. You are important. You are equipped. And you, my sweet, strong, bold women... in these seasons... are loved and worth it.
It's a day that reminds them of the child that was lost. Whether that child took a breath outside of the womb or didn't... it was a life gone too soon. A life that was called home earlier than we could understand. A life that was considered a life from the moment they were conceived. A life that was now made whole and beautiful and complete in the arms of our Savior... in the midst of sadness and weeping and brokenness down here on Earth.
It reminds them of the child they will never have. That for some reason or another their bodies can't make or hold a child. That for some reason, something just wasn't working the way it was suppose to. Some have struggled with it was months or even years. Many sweet women in my life have allowed me to walk through this hard circumstance with them. Interceding on their behalf. Crying out to the Lord in confusion and sometimes anger. Pleading with the Lord to remove that barrier and allow those ladies to become mommies. All of those prayers have been answered... unfortunately, some of the answers have been "no".
It's a day that--even though filled with good things-- can feel like a constant reminder of the desires of their hearts that are not being answered. To the "mommy want to be's" who simply are not in that place of life. The women that have a strong yearning to be a mother. To nurture, care for, love, give selflessly, and feel their heart outside their chest. It's to the women who try to be joyful in those extreme times of loneliness. Desiring a husband and child and sit and watch all of their friends pass them by. It's the women who have to choke back tears as their friends scream "we're pregnant with our THIRD baby" while they are weeping to the Lord silently "Jesus... Gosh, Lord. I just really want this. Your will be done, however, Lord!" The women who are reminded (probably not intentionally malicious) that their "clocks are ticking away" or asked "do you not WANT a baby?". Questions that sting and can easily cause doubt and lies to creep into their minds. It's a day that seems like another year of disappointment.
However, and more importantly, it's also a day of promises. It's a day that tells us that we are called to love others well. That we are called to care for people in a way that allows them to see a Father. A Good Father. One who provides and loves even when it is hard to see... we are called to radiate that. Whether that is to a child, a student, a teenager, a peer, an orphan, or your own parent.... the Lord has entrusted His sheep to His disciples.
I am not a mother. I get called it about 15 times a day by my students, but I do not have a child of my own. I have never given birth or adopted (yet). But, I have been called to love others. I have been called to encourage others. I have been called to uplift, affirm, come along side of, pick up, and speak truth into others. And I don't know about you other ladies... but that sure sounds like the qualities of a mother to me.
So know I spent some time praying for all the different categories of women: the ones who have lost, the ones who have, the ones who will never have, and the ones who don't have yet. You are important. You are equipped. And you, my sweet, strong, bold women... in these seasons... are loved and worth it.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
The Faces.
Daniel. Daniel was the first child in Africa that grabbed my heart. He was shy and sweet. He lingered and wanted to be noticed but was fearful to be too known. Scared of the strange mzungu (white person; foreigner) but also somewhat intrigued. He became the son I never had. He was all I would think about. All I would pray about. All I would dream about. Leaving him that first year felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I loved this child more than any other child I had ever met. He was "my Daniel" and I knew that my life was forever changed by this 8 year old child...
Shem. Shem is one of the youngest at Fiwagoh. The first year I met him I was won over. His personality was hilarious. He was bold and brave and silly. He wasn't scared to crawl up in your lap and demand your attention and love. It didn't take much demanding on his part. I fell... head over heels. This child whose mother had given him up in the market place because she could not care for him and all his other brothers and sisters... chose to let go of him. When seen out in town the first few months after giving him up she was asked if she wanted to come visit him and see him... she didn't want to. It broke my heart to hear that... I can't even try to imagine what she must have gone through to want to give him away and never want to cradle him and kiss his squishy cheeks again. All I knew was that he was given an opportunity to be loved so I would do my best to remind and reassure him that he was dearly loved and precious everytime I saw him.
Sammy. Sammy is the most joyful child I have ever met... including in the states. Sammy is full of life and silliness and smiles. Everytime you call his name he will look at you and laugh and smile ear to ear. You would never know that he is fighting HIV. It doesn't change his mood. It doesn't change his view on life. It doesn't cause him to shrink back into the shadows. He walks around with an outlook that convicts and challenges me to my core. He is precious and has changed my heart more than I can ever express.
These are just a few. These don't include every child I have prayed over, cried with, held, and sobbed as I left. The Lord turned my heart to Kenya, Africa years ago and I know now it's because of these children (plus 220 others). These children have shown me a beautiful picture of what trusting in Jesus looks like. They have pointed me to the One who loves the least of these... and has a plan for His children. These babies have reflected how I should look as a believer. They have shown me how to have faith when the world tells me that I am being ridiculous. I have learned to love fully and wholly and in a way that my Savior loves me (without expecting anything in return). It has been humbling and hard and heart wrenching. I don't know what the future holds... I don't know if I will ever get to hold these babies again. I don't know if I will ever get to travel back to the continent that stole my heart.... but I am going to try. And I am thankful... I am thankful for the four opportunities I have been graced with to live life with these beautiful children and for what they have been used, by Jesus, to work into me.
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