Walk Away.

The Lord has taught me some big life lessons lately. He has taught me that vulnerability, no matter how uncomfortable and scary it is, is necessary and can be quite beneficial. He has allowed me to see that the walls I have up are actually a lot higher and thicker than I thought. And I think the hardest thing he has taught me (or allowed me to see through HIS eyes) is that I am His daughter. His baby girl. His pride and joy. His offspring and His love. And that He thinks... scratch that... knows that I am worth so much and deserve goodness. He has shown me the importance of standing up for myself and how boldness in those situations can be so worthwhile.

This is not easy for me. Some of you may be shaking your heads at that. Some of you may be thinking, "But Steph, you are confident. You know the difference between right and wrong, good and evil, and you stand up for that. You are good with your words and say what you think!" Wrong. I am terrified of rejection. I am a people pleaser to the core and completely dislike feeling that way. I would rather be hurt or inconvenienced than make someone else feel that way-- even if they need to know! I have been known to be a door mat and I have years of footprints covering me. However, that has Satan written all over it. That's not of Jesus. He doesn't send embarrassment and shame.... He sends mercy and love.

So what do you do when you are in this situation? I happen to be in one right now. I am a words of affirmation girl and its crazy how the sweetest things said to me can totally cloud my vision. The Lord promises us that He has a will for our life. One abounding with help and hope and a future. He has so much rich scripture displaying those promises...

"I have come into the world as light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." John 12:46

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart ! I have overcome the world ! " John 16:33

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak " Isaiah 40:29

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine" Isaiah 43:1

"I tell you the truth, he who believes has everlasting life." John 6:47

"Jesus said: 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies'....." John 11:25

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Heb.11:1

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be moved, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed." Isaiah 54:10

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them, I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy maybe complete" John 15:11

"...but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16:22

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. " Isaiah 46:4

"I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me." Proverbs 8:17

"...the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him! " Isaiah 30:18

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." Jeremiah 29:12

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1,2

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3: 5,6

".....He will teach us his ways, so that we may walk in his paths...." Isaiah 2:3

" But when the kindness and love of God our Saviour appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Saviour. " Titus 3:4-6

I know that was a lot of scripture reading but it is just so incredible how many times and ways the Lord has revealed His promises to us. If you are like me then you say, "yeah but what about this (fill in your current problem) hateful person at work, family member I don't get along with, guy situation? God... like I know that you tell me to trust you with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, but Jesus I thought this one was different. He acted like he cared. He seemed like he was really interested and wanted to date me." We have to trust God in ALL situations... not just the ones that slip through our hands that have a strong hold on all of our problems. We have to choose to lay everything down at the feet of Christ and believe that He is so good and has such a purpose and plan for our life that it is crazy better than anything we could ever imagine.

And then walk away from it. I feel like I lay it down and then just stay by it... trying to grab little pieces that splatter out of the pile or parts that are hanging off the side. That is not true submission. That is not true reliance on the Lord. So walk away. Give everything to the Lord, TRUST that He is in control and walk away. You never know what the Lord has in store for you-- maybe down the road that guy will be the man He has planned for your life. Maybe through growth the Lord will allow him to pursue you in a way that is pleasing and approved by the Him. So walk away.... if he doesn't run after you....keep on walking!

So thats where I am right now. I am on my face praying. Praying for His will. Praying not to feel dumb and stupid in this situation--because it wasn't anything I did... that is just Satan trying to distract me from running up into my Beloved's arms and letting His promises wash over me. And praying that He turns His ear to me and hears His daughter's cries. Because I am hurt. I am disappointed. But I know that the Lord will never, ever forget or forsake me. So I am walking...

"Love them. Love ME."

For my loyal followers you may have noticed that there is something new to this blog. Thats right... I changed it from I am my Beloved's and My Beloved is Mine to a shorter name... it is now simply Smiles with Stephanie.

If you have read any of my last posts I just returned from Africa where my life was shook up. I prayed going in that the Lord would ruin all of my plans and shake me up something good. Well as it goes... "ask and you shall receive." And boy did I ever. I received a lot. I received blessings far beyond anything I ever thought or dreamed. I received love from children who had be beaten, abused and neglected. Some left on doorsteps. Others left on streets or among the garbage.

"Love them. Love ME." I heard God whisper the second day I was there.

For a white girl growing up in middle class America, my problems all of a sudden seemed dramatically insignificant. In America you are taught to look out for number 1. Don't show weakness. Vulnerability is not an attractive quality. As Christians we are taught the opposite...

"So those who are last now will be first then, and those who are first will be last." -Matt. 20:16;

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Corin. 12:9;

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1.

"Lord... they are in need of so much. How can I provide what they need? How can I give them comfort? Why was I given so much but they are given so little? (Silence.) Jesus? (Silence) Father? (Silence) Beloved? (Still Silence) Why aren't you listening to me? What am I doing here? Why have you chosen me? Where have you gone? What do I do?"

"Love them. Love ME."

"Love them? How do I show them love? Will they even understand it? These babies have gone through situations in life I cannot imagine. They have been raped. They have been hit. They have been taken advantage of... and thats just the ones under 15. God... you are good. I know this--and forgive my disbelief or question for a second-- but why? How? I don't understand why this has to happen to them. Why not me? I know you. Put this upon me because surely if I die I will come to your kingdom... but for some of them who are so close to death... they don't even know you or your promises of freedom. What about them? How do I insure that when I leave at the end of this day that they will be in YOUR hands eternally?"

"Love them. Love ME."

"Ok God-- so by loving them I am planting a seed. (Matt. 13:6-8) I have heard this since I was younger... I need to just speak your name. Tell that truth and pray that the seed takes root. Even if I can't see the harvest. Is that what you mean?"

"Love them. Love ME."

"Ok so by loving them (Matt. 25:40)... I will not only be loving these children but I will be loving You which will in turn show them You?"

"Stephanie...just love them."

You see... we try to over rationalize everything. We take the easiest of instructions-- "Love them. Love ME."-- and turn it into a dissertation over the theological significance behind the word love. Its pointless and meaningless. We listen to Satan's lies and we are filled with fear, confusion and doubt. Thank goodness I was seeking Jesus so diligently that I was able to discern the lies coming at me like flaming arrows (Eph. 6:16). If you simply put your life into your Beloved's hands... He will grow you in ways you never imagined!

Uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable is a word that I would use very freely 16 days ago. "My bed is uncomfortable to me tonight." "This hot shower hurt my skin and made me uncomfortable" "These new shoes are uncomfortable." My discomfort was circumstantial. It wasn't life threatening. It wasn't overwhelming (even if I dramatically made it seem like it at the time).

I just got back from spending 15 days in Africa. I was in Uganda for a week and Kenya for a week. I thought I knew what it meant to be uncomfortable until I went there... I soon learned that all my "reservations and discomforts" were going to be thrown out the window and that my prayers for brokenness, to be humbled and sifted would soon be answered in a very BIG and LOUD way.

Hurt. This word was seen in so many different ways. There was hurt everywhere I looked on my trip. People were hurting... physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. They were hungry. They were naked. They were dying. They were in pain. They were abandoned. They had diseases that were both visible and hidden. There was so much hurt and I was overwhelmed.

Yearning. These people were yearning for more...or even some. They yearned for food. They yearned for shelter. They yearned for love-- a simple smile would do. They yearned to feel worthy. They yearned for things that I could not give them. They yearned for satisfaction and all I could do was point them North. I could only provide the hope for yearning that comes through faith. The yearning that comes from a Savior not a "mzungu" (white person).

Faith. These people love Jesus... and they love Him hard. There is no reservations when they worship. They don't worry about the volume of their voices, the appearance of their actions or even if those actions are being noticed! They lose themselves in their Savior. They scream out to their Beloved and know that He is not only listening to them, but that He is understanding their pain, desire and faith.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He has anointed me to proclaim good news to the POOR. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the CAPTIVES and recovering sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are OPPRESSED, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor!" -Luke 4:18-19

I prayed for the Lord is break my heart and to ruin all of the plans I made. I desired my uncomfortableness to be tested and for my faith to be stretched. I hoped to see the Lord... to truly SEE His works. To experience Him in a way I had never experience Him before! I craved to be humbled and "forced" to completely rely of the Lord. To have my control and stubbornness stripped away and left completely vulnerable and empty. Not only wanting the Savior but whole heartily needing Him.

On this trip I was bruised, broken, spent and left vulnerably opened. I can honestly say it was two of the most difficult weeks I have ever experienced. However, the way I experienced the Lord was unreal. Things happened that you only read about it the bible. Prayers were answer instantaneously. I never doubted the Lord-- but because He loves me so much He allowed me to see Him in a completely different way. He allowed me to see Him in a supernatural way that is unexplainable. He didn't need me to be used on this trip but He allowed me to serve these people and babies as a tool of the Lord. And in doing this He allowed me to draw closer to Him and have a clearer vision of Him and His Kingdom. He revealed parts of Himself to me that I would not have appreciated, understood or desired had it be shown to me anywhere else or at any other time. He let me die to myself, be reduced to nothing, be 110% humbled and vulnerable (which is not a fun or desirable place to be) and give Him all the honor and glory and praise.

::Sweet Jesus as I come back to my life here God I ask for opportunities to talk about what I experienced in Africa. Allow me to use this not to exalt myself but to exalt YOU! Father, let these stories and pictures point to Your love and grace. As I get back into the swing of things let me remember how to rely on You... even when the situations aren't always as uncomfortable. Don't let me be easily swayed by pointless things, but instead let me heart be surrounded with things not of this world. Let me radiate you in my interactions with others. My heart will yearn and hurt for these babies I left in Africa, however, let me not be burdened by their circumstances but by their salvation. It doesn't matter where they live now if they don't know where they will be living eternally and desire for it to be with You. I shouldn't be consumed with how they are being fed physically but rather spiritually. God let me never, ever forget You and Your universal love!::

Brokenness Made Whole

Becoming a Woman of Prayer. I always thought that I was where I needed to be in my prayer life until recently. I have been very convicted lately about this area of my walk--or lack there of. When I think about how rich the Word is reguarding prayer I think of a few key verses...

"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:5-7

"In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." -Psalm 18:6

"If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." -Matthew 21:22

But after meditating on such verses I think about how often I do this... Is my gentleness evident to all? Am I free from anxiousness? In my distress do I CRY out to the Lord (first)? Do I believe I will receive whatever I ask for in prayer? And the reoccurring answer for each question is... NO!

This morning I read about Hannah in 1 Samuel. Hannah was barren and yearned for a child. Unlike me, she did praise God despite her pain. Unlike me, she continued to pray the same prayer believing that the Lord would hear her cries and answer her. Unlike me, she did find comfort completely in the Lord and His presence in he life. She didn't allow certain circumstances to determine whether she approached the throne or not. She was seeking God in the good times and in the bad times... in the times of strength and in the times of weakness.... in her joy and in her bitterness. Instead of getting mad or complaining about the hand she was dealt, she took it before the Lord. And in verse 18 it tells us what happened..."Her face was no longer downcast!" Simply by taking her troubles to her Father, her misery was released from her. Now this doesn't always happen. Sometimes the Lord allows us to go through these difficult situations and uses them to teach us perseverance (James 1:2-5) and how to draw closer to Him.

In my study today it said "What do you typically do when faced with difficulties? Take them to God or complain to friends, get angry or upset, say things you shouldn't, etc." Dang. I felt convicted with that one. A situation that occurred just a few weeks ago came to my mind. I heard something that really hurt my feelings. I felt embarrassed, rejected, angry and sad. And instead of going to the Father with my hurt and disappointment I let that person know EXACTLY what I was thinking. It was immature and hurtful to him. It was not prayerfully considered. It was not edifying to him. It did not build him up, encourage him and it was disresepctful. It was directly said to make him feel as bad as I did-- and it worked. And I felt like crud afterwards. I didn't want to hurt him-- but I listened to Satan whispering "an eye for an eye..." in my ear instead of Jesus saying "come to me and I will give you peace". Thankfully, I swallowed my pride and was forgiven. But if I were to just automatically think to go to the Lord in prayer in every situation first then I would have never been in that position.

Unfortunately I don't think I truly believe that praying will help. I mean I constantly communicate with the Lord but I think sometimes I half heartily do it and don't fully believe in His power. I love Him so much and I know that He has my best interest at heart--so why don't I run to Him with my trials? Why don't I sprint to His side, crawl up in His lap and pour out my feelings? Why don't I take my heart ache or confusion to the author of my love story instead of complaining to my friends? I desire to be a woman of prayer. I yearn to be a Proverbs 31 woman who RADIATES Him in all situations... one that shows gentleness, isn't anxious and cries out to the Lord!

It is a process and I am so blessed that the Lord hasn't given up on me yet....

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" -Isaiah 6:8

It is 5:26 on a summer Friday morning... and I am awake. Not only awake-- but awake with thousands of things swimming through my head. Summer is a teacher's friend. This is the first day that I DO NOT HAVE to be awake by 5:30 (or even 10 for that case) and can actually sleep in. But as you can see-- that isn't happening.

The Lord has been so sweet to me lately and has allowed me to be pursued by Him in multiple ways. However, His ways and my ways don't always match up and His timing and my timing NEVER match up. So this has been a beautiful, yet humbling time in my life.

I leave for Uganda, Africa in 15 days...wow. It has been such a long journey to get here. I remember beginning to feel a stir in my heart for Africa. I remember the day I felt compelled to begin painting and the end product was a piece that sits catty cornered in my room that reads PRAY FOR AFRICA with a huge picture of that lovely continent in the middle! I remember the process of supporting a child through World Vision but realizing that the pull I had towards this people group went deeper. I remember looking at trips, organizations, opportunities....anything and everything to get me over there. Prices were high. Trips were not what I desired (as a teacher I felt drawn to work with and love on orphans). Dates were inconvenient. Nothing seemed to work... so I thought I had misread the Lord's will. I must have heard His calling for me incorrectly because everything fell through and nothing worked out. But just like the Lord...when I completely gave it over to Him and convinced myself it must just be later on in life that I would get that opportunity... He provided. My roommate worked with a lady whose sister had just returned from Africa on a short term mission trip working with orphans. She went through an organization called Visiting Orphans, whose main goal was to love on these babies and share Jesus with them. Sold.

From then on the process has been absolutely unreal. The Lord blessed me with a love for painting (which if you remember started this desire) and He allowed me to paint my way to Africa as well. I have painted and painted and PAINTED... I have sold my canvases to friends, family members, at auctions, to teachers and even to some of my student's parents. My paintings have allowed me to share my story, and where I am going, and the Lord has received glory in all of it! And as of yesterday that painting has paid off and my trip cost is completely covered! Gosh the Lord is just so magnificent and yet so intricate in the way He pays attention to every small detail.

During the process the Lord has also allowed alot of needed sifting to occur in my life! Things that were needing to get pulled out of my life for my ultimate refinement were taken from me-- no matter how much it hurt tearing them from my hands. My sweet Beloved has allowed insecurities to be destroyed, desires to be met and some situations to be dealt with. In this time of the Lord pushing GO there is also alot of NO...and even harder... WAIT! I know that my Daddy has my absolute best interest at hand. Sometimes--scratch that--the majority of the time I am so self absorbed that I miss that and play the victim of "woe is me. woe is me". But lately I have seen the fruit of passionately pursuing our ultimate pursuer and the goodness He can do with a messy sinner like myself!

We often hear... God is good, all the time. Followed by... All the time, God is good! For the first time in my life, I think I am truly begin to understand and whole heartily believe it. And THAT is exciting!

100 Things: Part Ten

91. A Gift From the Heart

This is probably my favorite gift EVER to date. I have a student in my classroom who goes to my church. His dad has made two trips to Africa the last few months working with unreached people groups and has talked to me about my trip a few times! My little boy brought in this sculpture for Teacher Appreciation Week. It is a wooden sculpture of a teacher and students. I began to cry when I received this and my kiddos looked at me as if I was crazy! However-- this is the most special thing I have ever gotten!

92. The Daniells and Springers

I love these guys and girl like they are my own flesh and blood! These are my brothers and sisters! Such a great relationship all of us have!

93. Dress Up Days

Who doesn't like dressing up silly?

94. Floppy Hats

I just wish I had more places to wear these fun things!

95. Chick Flicks

If it grabs my heart, makes me cry or puts me into a depression about being single and wanting to find MY prince charming.... I've probably seen it and love it!

96. Kolaches

Breakfast is my favorite meal! You can have that food all times of the day! One of my fave breakfast foods are kolaches! There is a place out in West, Texas (by Waco) that has a Czech Kolache Shop. Everytime we go down to Waco or past West, we have to stop and get some goodies!

97. Uniball Pens

These make your writing look nice and neat!

98. Flip Flops

I love flip flops... you get to show off cute painted toes and it means summer is here!

99. Super Stay 24 Color Lipstick

Ok so I know this is a ridiculous picture but I wanted to draw attention to my lips! This new Maybelline lipstick is called Super Stay 24 Color. I put this lipstick on at 6 am and it is still on and bright! I am a skeptic on most things but I am sold on this product!

100. The End

Being done having to think of my favorite things!! This is Stephanie signing off-- over and out!

100 Things: Part Nine

81. Glee MUSIC

I don't like everything the show says or stands for-- but I love their singing and music!

82. Teacher Work Days

Teacher work days-- because I can work in my room and get stuff done (or not like-- like THIS is what I am doing in my inservice day right now)!

83. Gift Cards

Its basically like free money to use on whatever you want-- sooo fun!

84. Crosses

Crosses are everywhere in my house. They are not only art but a beautiful reminder or why I live set apart everyday!

85. Ace of Cakes

This is a hilarious show and they make some awesome stuff!

86. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

Ohh shoot dang-- that is good!

87. Hand Santizer

I work with nasty nose pickers all day-- what do you expect?

88. Extreme Weather

I have always been so interested with weather-- especially tornadoes. After the tragic events with the tornado that hit Tuscaloosa, it has shown me through the pics my friends that live there have put up, just how powerful these things are!

89. Justin Bieber

Yes...I understand I am 25, but I hang out with 6 and 7 year olds all day PLUS I think he is just so precious and I really like his voice... so back off! haha

90. Hot Chocolate

Hot chocolate is perfect in the winter!